06-27-2018, 01:36 PM
I had a crappy day emotionally. I tried hybrid again last night. Not a good result. Didn't sleep until it ended. I've got US on now, 7 loops.
I have had this fear that I'm losing a system of relying on people, and it's uncomfortable. I felt quite small and powerless today. I've normally had some barrier around other men I work with, a fear-based imagined outside escape which is me making money from home, so it'll save me from having honest relationships. In contrast, I'm imagining me teaching again. I've had intuitions I should go that way, but not a steady want-to. I used to have a lot of terror of teaching full-time, so I never completed my schooling in it. Started it a few times, but fear hung on, never completing it. So, I sat in a bit of fear today around the guys. Regarding teaching, I was uncertain and at peace at the same time--who does that???
Then I came home, got on my computer to familiarize myself with the work at home avenues, a daily thing. Honestly, I'm doing in my own business what I've done on subliminals: always trying to steer away from succeeding. I've been in shiny object syndrome recently, have purchased a product or two...........but I'm not using them. All distractions. I'm wasting time, avoiding actual success, ignoring prior goals time after time.
While on A currently, things are being challenged and changed a little at a time. I've lived a way noone could succeed by avoiding relationships and commitments to complete goals, since success......would require more change. S***. I thought "why the hell would you want to do that?" That's me a lot right now. And it had me feeling low once I got home and began to see my normal habit of actually avoiding success.
I am here using DMSI now, to change me. Living like this has not been a public or known thing, and DMSI is allowing (no, making) me feel uncomfortable since denial keeps me from seeing that. And its chipping through. For me, moments of genuine sadness and regret are better than days and days of lying to myself. I'm not comfortable with me yet. So, for today, I'm running it. I have some control there. Done for now
I have had this fear that I'm losing a system of relying on people, and it's uncomfortable. I felt quite small and powerless today. I've normally had some barrier around other men I work with, a fear-based imagined outside escape which is me making money from home, so it'll save me from having honest relationships. In contrast, I'm imagining me teaching again. I've had intuitions I should go that way, but not a steady want-to. I used to have a lot of terror of teaching full-time, so I never completed my schooling in it. Started it a few times, but fear hung on, never completing it. So, I sat in a bit of fear today around the guys. Regarding teaching, I was uncertain and at peace at the same time--who does that???
Then I came home, got on my computer to familiarize myself with the work at home avenues, a daily thing. Honestly, I'm doing in my own business what I've done on subliminals: always trying to steer away from succeeding. I've been in shiny object syndrome recently, have purchased a product or two...........but I'm not using them. All distractions. I'm wasting time, avoiding actual success, ignoring prior goals time after time.
While on A currently, things are being challenged and changed a little at a time. I've lived a way noone could succeed by avoiding relationships and commitments to complete goals, since success......would require more change. S***. I thought "why the hell would you want to do that?" That's me a lot right now. And it had me feeling low once I got home and began to see my normal habit of actually avoiding success.
I am here using DMSI now, to change me. Living like this has not been a public or known thing, and DMSI is allowing (no, making) me feel uncomfortable since denial keeps me from seeing that. And its chipping through. For me, moments of genuine sadness and regret are better than days and days of lying to myself. I'm not comfortable with me yet. So, for today, I'm running it. I have some control there. Done for now
I want to be FREE!
