DMSI 3.2A and B: Time for Change

[findingme]

I'd been off DMSI for a week, and I shared this in another thread. Shannon wrote in, sharing 2-4 loops may have not been enough. He said 7 was a number many have had breakthroughs with. So, a little hesitant fearing exhaustion, I jumped in. I've needed and desired change. I did 7 loops of hybrid flac 2 nights ago, 6/24/18.

None of this post, none at all, is about sex and women. However, what woman would desire a man acting like a little boy still needing his big brother/father figure full-time when he's in his mid-40's? This is changing my core.

I saw and felt a lot yesterday at work, nearly all day. I knew my major hangups pointed back to my brother while growing up, and I saw a habit clearly yesterday. A strange, beautiful coincidence, really.

I tried to work with one driver, but found out he felt creepy around me. I know I'd been emotionally needy around him, but it's been almost a year since I've ridden with him. But I felt rejected. Scared. Someone else had rejected me.

This meant I'd be with the one worker who's just mean. Doesn't talk. Any questions I throw out are answered like he's disgusted I asked him. I tried breaking through a year back, but his frustration rose accordingly. He's just miserable. And....I'm sitting here still feeling needy. Which brings on me feeling my own misery all alone.

Yesterday was a hot day, we'd lost a lot of time already, and I saw myself feeling angry and needing to blame someone. "I'll blame HIM!" I've worked with this driver almost once a week, so I knew I'd be rejected and dismissed. Well, at least in my mind. 95% of this is ALL in my head.

We'd began at 6AM, had not taken a break, and it was after 12 now, and I'm working in the sun. I was pissed. And from early on in the day, I'd been making him the reason I was miserable. I made up this image in my head of me battling with him about going to lunch soon. He'd waited until 3 one day, and I assumed he'd go as late as possible again.

I needed to blame, I needed to FEEL something (anger, anything).........it was (logical?) when with an irrational person, me reacting irrationally.

And then DMSI kicked in. I'd had all this anguish underneath, which I'd felt and intentionally ignored hours before. As soon as I allowed it, after non-success repeatedly, a deep sadness surfaced. The last time I felt such sadness was when I watched my father take his last breath on his hospice bed. 1992. I cried and shook on the back of our work truck riding through neighborhoods.

I just had to let it out. I'd held it in too long.

20 minutes later, my driver said we were going to lunch. So much for the "truth" in my head. (yes, me not being right about him being wrong annoyed me.)

Then, after lunch, I began having symptoms of overheating. I felt wobbly and lightheaded, ignored it for 30 minutes, and I finally spoke up to my driver. He told me to take a break in the truck while he picked up stuff. Maybe 15 minutes later, I had to puke. And the driver gave me some Gatorades saying I needed to replace what I'd lost. I didn't work anymore after that, which I thought I'd have to. He even gave me 3-4 bottles of his own Gatorade saying I needed to take care of myself.

My point is that I fought to keep my story straight in my head ("he's the bad guy!), and I was wrong. I've tried to stay in my misery, which is what I know....and it was continually, peacefully challenged.

Sitting here, still looking for known solutions, I realize the ONLY real solution I have to this self-inflicted misery is........to let it go. To stop fighting a war I lost ages ago. 7 loops is working.