06-24-2018, 10:07 AM
I think the more healing I get into the more I realize how complex I am as a person. That's not an ego thing or a I'm special thing, it's just that I need to measure my progress based on what I deal with. After this trip to Dallas for my job I realized I'm very guarded. And in general people don't like that. Unfortunately people can't see my whole life story, they just get a snapshot. So I just come across as aloof and a jerk at times, unintentionally. It's just one of those things where I assume if I think hard enough or positively enough I can just stop doing it. But this is YEARS, years of conditioning myself to not be open with people. I do more damage trying to turn this stuff around in a day and criticizing myself when it doesn't work.
Here's the thing, when you have deep core fears about being open with people that have been with you for most of your life, it get confusing. I have a bad habit of giving people what they want. Doing this performance of someone who has opened up when really I haven't. It's like I project a false self that guards my real self. Sometimes it's easier to say screw it and isolate myself completely. That's how unrewarding interpersonal relationships can be for me at times. The fear overrides a lot of the enjoyment and what should be a natural human interaction turns into a job.
People always say to put myself out there more or open up. And it's just such useless advice. Every situation I go into, I strengthen that coping personality that deals with this stuff vs my actual self. The worst part is I've gotten so good at it, it provides this extra level of security that my mind immediately gravitates to. It's like ok you have two choices, put yourself in this potentially dangerous situation (not truly dangerous, but in my own mind it is) or use this pre-scripted self that may not win you friends but at least you know how it all works and what you can avoid. Every damn time it's the pre-scripted self.
It's not that I haven't grown or developed. I definitely have. But there's still something there. Something i'm clinging on to like a life raft. My self that I've cultivated and developed is fully present alone, but when I go out into the world it's not always there. Now that I think of it this might be the whole safeties thing. I have a bunch of pre-made routines in my head. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but when my anxiety was really bad creating scripts for myself was the only way I could function. I'm wondering if my mind is still clinging onto those scripts because they are the safer option and it's reluctant to go outside of them because they "work".
Here's the thing, when you have deep core fears about being open with people that have been with you for most of your life, it get confusing. I have a bad habit of giving people what they want. Doing this performance of someone who has opened up when really I haven't. It's like I project a false self that guards my real self. Sometimes it's easier to say screw it and isolate myself completely. That's how unrewarding interpersonal relationships can be for me at times. The fear overrides a lot of the enjoyment and what should be a natural human interaction turns into a job.
People always say to put myself out there more or open up. And it's just such useless advice. Every situation I go into, I strengthen that coping personality that deals with this stuff vs my actual self. The worst part is I've gotten so good at it, it provides this extra level of security that my mind immediately gravitates to. It's like ok you have two choices, put yourself in this potentially dangerous situation (not truly dangerous, but in my own mind it is) or use this pre-scripted self that may not win you friends but at least you know how it all works and what you can avoid. Every damn time it's the pre-scripted self.
It's not that I haven't grown or developed. I definitely have. But there's still something there. Something i'm clinging on to like a life raft. My self that I've cultivated and developed is fully present alone, but when I go out into the world it's not always there. Now that I think of it this might be the whole safeties thing. I have a bunch of pre-made routines in my head. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but when my anxiety was really bad creating scripts for myself was the only way I could function. I'm wondering if my mind is still clinging onto those scripts because they are the safer option and it's reluctant to go outside of them because they "work".
INFP
