Fear. F***. Fear has dominated my life as long as I can remember. I went on Bliss' OF journal a half hour ago, and since I began DMSI A hybrid (1 loop), I could definitely connect here: I don't know who I am anymore. My mind shifts away from fear--in fact, my entrepreneurial drive kicked backed up minutes ago. But......a truthful whine: I am scared of imagined "bad" things.
I can tell the jail I was in before was a big fear web. "Hang on For DEAR LIFE!!!"
Continuing on that vein, even me writing while listening is difficult since the anti-fear messages are playing 5.5 speed. I've always written from mostly fear-based stories and thoughts in my head, me writing hoping I'd impress or motivate someone else. And take the focus off of me. Connecting again, I've been seeing myself (in my head) doing stand-up for people at work. True story here--a worker I worked with from another shop showed up this week. He had done stand-up comedy in a lot of big clubs (even for his work crew on occasion), giving it up professionally since he married a few years back. He showed up in our shop this week! I asked if he was still doing stand-up, he's still doing gigs on the weekends, and our conversation grew from there. It was a weird coincidence since I'd been thinking of past discussions we'd had on his stand-up experiences.
I brought this up since I'd known people vying for attention in classrooms with comedy (something I've never done myself), but being in many 12 step rooms I learned most were scared to death a lot of times just to speak up. Comedy was an easy outlet, so it came out. I'm not thinking I'll do stand-up, but I enjoy imagining me stepping out of my fear. I've been looking for funny truths I could throw in. I'd never even thought of this before.
But...who am I? I used to live a small, safe life. It was doable.......but no, it wasn't. Me being safe meant I didn't talk with you much, didn't look at you much, and I'd feel emotional pain after knowing I didn't share honestly (share ME) in normal conversation. So, I'd have a regret happen, and the next day I'd often try to steer away from said person so I'd not sit in fear once again. THIS became my life, affecting everyone from my mom to the girls I saw in a grocery store or a gas station. ("Story of my Life" has been playing in my head too). Fear created lies, lies created regret and shame, and fear and shame worked hand in hand for years to "protect" me.
I'm on A. It just finished, while writing. Weeks back I did 2-4 loops thinking more would make it better. It was fear talking, saying I'd be better emotionally if I did more. BS! 4 hours of a drill sargeant didn't help. It just kept me in fear. I'll stick with one. Fear's a liar.
I can tell the jail I was in before was a big fear web. "Hang on For DEAR LIFE!!!"
Continuing on that vein, even me writing while listening is difficult since the anti-fear messages are playing 5.5 speed. I've always written from mostly fear-based stories and thoughts in my head, me writing hoping I'd impress or motivate someone else. And take the focus off of me. Connecting again, I've been seeing myself (in my head) doing stand-up for people at work. True story here--a worker I worked with from another shop showed up this week. He had done stand-up comedy in a lot of big clubs (even for his work crew on occasion), giving it up professionally since he married a few years back. He showed up in our shop this week! I asked if he was still doing stand-up, he's still doing gigs on the weekends, and our conversation grew from there. It was a weird coincidence since I'd been thinking of past discussions we'd had on his stand-up experiences.
I brought this up since I'd known people vying for attention in classrooms with comedy (something I've never done myself), but being in many 12 step rooms I learned most were scared to death a lot of times just to speak up. Comedy was an easy outlet, so it came out. I'm not thinking I'll do stand-up, but I enjoy imagining me stepping out of my fear. I've been looking for funny truths I could throw in. I'd never even thought of this before.
But...who am I? I used to live a small, safe life. It was doable.......but no, it wasn't. Me being safe meant I didn't talk with you much, didn't look at you much, and I'd feel emotional pain after knowing I didn't share honestly (share ME) in normal conversation. So, I'd have a regret happen, and the next day I'd often try to steer away from said person so I'd not sit in fear once again. THIS became my life, affecting everyone from my mom to the girls I saw in a grocery store or a gas station. ("Story of my Life" has been playing in my head too). Fear created lies, lies created regret and shame, and fear and shame worked hand in hand for years to "protect" me.
I'm on A. It just finished, while writing. Weeks back I did 2-4 loops thinking more would make it better. It was fear talking, saying I'd be better emotionally if I did more. BS! 4 hours of a drill sargeant didn't help. It just kept me in fear. I'll stick with one. Fear's a liar.
I want to be FREE!
