06-17-2018, 09:03 AM
"Mom, I don't want to come over"
That would bring great relief saying or texting that. Feeling like s*** since I actually texted her last night asking if I could come over today. I do NOT want to for a very, very simple reason: I'd lie to myself and her sharing how I've been.
Why? Since she has no emotional tools to be real. The last half dozen times I've come over I'd be talking about real changes and desires coming up, and 2 or 3 times I began crying. She quickly was uncomfortable and said "let's not go there then". One time I stood up for myself, saying that YES, I DID need to go there.
It's almost always been a game of lying to her mostly and opening up slowly if she seemed accepting of it. I am just sick of believing that ALL women could not deal with real emotions. I realized while writing that that's exactly why I've pulled away from women. I've thought they'd put up a front which I'd be attracted to, but soon after the mask came down, and rejection of me would result. Well, f*** that!! I'd be a fool to trust someone I knew would hurt me soon enough. So, I've safeguarded my heart for YEARS. Decades even.
I do feel sh**** blowing my mom off. F***!! Am I going to go? Likely not. I'm kind of scared I'll be hurt if I hurt her.
This is lame (IMO), but I'm seeking imput here. I've bowed to this belief for years. I just can't bow today. What could I communicate to her? I'm trying to honor myself and not injure her. Shame is why I'm seeking help.
That would bring great relief saying or texting that. Feeling like s*** since I actually texted her last night asking if I could come over today. I do NOT want to for a very, very simple reason: I'd lie to myself and her sharing how I've been.
Why? Since she has no emotional tools to be real. The last half dozen times I've come over I'd be talking about real changes and desires coming up, and 2 or 3 times I began crying. She quickly was uncomfortable and said "let's not go there then". One time I stood up for myself, saying that YES, I DID need to go there.
It's almost always been a game of lying to her mostly and opening up slowly if she seemed accepting of it. I am just sick of believing that ALL women could not deal with real emotions. I realized while writing that that's exactly why I've pulled away from women. I've thought they'd put up a front which I'd be attracted to, but soon after the mask came down, and rejection of me would result. Well, f*** that!! I'd be a fool to trust someone I knew would hurt me soon enough. So, I've safeguarded my heart for YEARS. Decades even.
I do feel sh**** blowing my mom off. F***!! Am I going to go? Likely not. I'm kind of scared I'll be hurt if I hurt her.
This is lame (IMO), but I'm seeking imput here. I've bowed to this belief for years. I just can't bow today. What could I communicate to her? I'm trying to honor myself and not injure her. Shame is why I'm seeking help.
I want to be FREE!
