06-15-2018, 02:38 PM
And thanks Zane. I'm unsure what'll come of this visit, and I've not worried about it.
I'll correct that point: I've not worried about seeing her. I've worried I'd not be "adequate", or see myself as adequate sexually. I've wanted (and have imagined lately) to be smooth with her, surprising her sexually if it happens. And from what I know of her, it'd be sex only. She's been very distant emotionally for years, except when it involves our daughter. She does not like to open her heart. That is where she's at.
And I've been reaching out to my daughter a few times each week. No reply. I'd toyed (enjoyed) the thought of causing her pain, via vengeance, if she gave some cold Father's Day salutation.
And this vengeful thinking........is all about me not getting MY needs met. I am HER parent. She's not mine. So I've been letting go of my unhealthy expectations that she do this. For hurting her, if even if only in my mind, hurts me. It hurts bigtime. So I've been dropping that hatchet. It's been killing me, and I DON'T like pain.
I'll look forward to any gifts or acknowledgements she gives. And not expect more. For I can only change me. Noone else. I can only change me.
I'll correct that point: I've not worried about seeing her. I've worried I'd not be "adequate", or see myself as adequate sexually. I've wanted (and have imagined lately) to be smooth with her, surprising her sexually if it happens. And from what I know of her, it'd be sex only. She's been very distant emotionally for years, except when it involves our daughter. She does not like to open her heart. That is where she's at.
And I've been reaching out to my daughter a few times each week. No reply. I'd toyed (enjoyed) the thought of causing her pain, via vengeance, if she gave some cold Father's Day salutation.
And this vengeful thinking........is all about me not getting MY needs met. I am HER parent. She's not mine. So I've been letting go of my unhealthy expectations that she do this. For hurting her, if even if only in my mind, hurts me. It hurts bigtime. So I've been dropping that hatchet. It's been killing me, and I DON'T like pain.
I'll look forward to any gifts or acknowledgements she gives. And not expect more. For I can only change me. Noone else. I can only change me.
I want to be FREE!
