06-13-2018, 06:56 PM
I'm posting this so I don't forget it.
Yesterday, near the end of the work day, I began strongly desiring to go to an old 12 step meeting I had gone to for at least 8 years or so. I've not been to this one in 3 years or so, but since its feel is very different (and very Rule 4 related) I imagined going. I even wanted to go.
But I didn't go. I was almost finished editing my YT ad video, and with mixed feelings, I missed the meeting. I felt great though since I actually finished my video! My fears of not completing it had grown, so I dug in and finished it instead. Yippee!
I considered why I skipped the meeting, but dismissed it seeing I was soon ready to air my ad. I didn't dwell on it (strangely, that's a first).
This morning, while showering, I imagined what I'd have done if I'd gone to the meeting. What came to mind quickly was true for years: lots of hiding and lying (to myself mostly). I realized why I went so long and did not change. I went there to hide. That's why I lied and hid myself while there. Hiding was my lifelong norm, my comfy spot. I conveniently used meetings to make this valid and acceptable in other's eyes.
I'm grateful I didn't do this now. Me living out old unhappy habits often just hurts me.
I'm not fully sure what this is affecting in me, but......I think I've also been dreaming lately. I haven't actively remembered dreams since childhood. Is this really happening? This is inspiring and encouraging! Stuff must be clearing in me :-)
This is my day off of A. I'll start up B tomorrow.
Yesterday, near the end of the work day, I began strongly desiring to go to an old 12 step meeting I had gone to for at least 8 years or so. I've not been to this one in 3 years or so, but since its feel is very different (and very Rule 4 related) I imagined going. I even wanted to go.
But I didn't go. I was almost finished editing my YT ad video, and with mixed feelings, I missed the meeting. I felt great though since I actually finished my video! My fears of not completing it had grown, so I dug in and finished it instead. Yippee!
I considered why I skipped the meeting, but dismissed it seeing I was soon ready to air my ad. I didn't dwell on it (strangely, that's a first).
This morning, while showering, I imagined what I'd have done if I'd gone to the meeting. What came to mind quickly was true for years: lots of hiding and lying (to myself mostly). I realized why I went so long and did not change. I went there to hide. That's why I lied and hid myself while there. Hiding was my lifelong norm, my comfy spot. I conveniently used meetings to make this valid and acceptable in other's eyes.
I'm grateful I didn't do this now. Me living out old unhappy habits often just hurts me.
I'm not fully sure what this is affecting in me, but......I think I've also been dreaming lately. I haven't actively remembered dreams since childhood. Is this really happening? This is inspiring and encouraging! Stuff must be clearing in me :-)
This is my day off of A. I'll start up B tomorrow.
I want to be FREE!
