06-10-2018, 12:05 PM
Hard to write. Kind of. I've had loads of new changes come on lately. I'm not the same person I've been. No sexual exploits, no. I've had awareness of the aura lately, but I've not pursued any women lately. Flirted yes. Sex not even close.
Big changes are happening inside. And I'm not here to share answers really, but to seek knowledge.
Had to restart my post. I'm trying to paint a "I have my s*** together" picture. That's a friggin lie. It's always mixed, mostly.
Job: going well. Asked the boss about a position he offered. He actually went into sales pitch mode, as if he wanted me to know they wanted me. I felt really complimented seeing as he gave this with us leaving the shop at the end of the day, with us outside standing near our vehicles. I'd been cautious since when I'm leaving, I'm thinking they do too. Him turning around gave me hope :-)
My business: This is actually why I'm writing. I am making a YT video ad, I worked on it 5 hours Friday night, but I need to edit some things..........and I'm trying to hide from this possible change, all imagined. Since that night I've tried to acknowledge what is holding me up. Fear. Nothing but fear. I need to delete some words, reword other things, and "thinking" about it is......my old safe spot. Because doing it seems like I'm trying to release it to others--where I'll have no control of the outcome. I keep trying to set my mind in some "safe" place, all places from the past. A fear of over-responsibility is at the root, thinking (and remembering) I'll be responsible for (fill in the blank, all negative). I've had mere traces of memories surface, and no dreams (remembered anyway)
Connected here is the fact that I visited my friends last night for our usual money game. One of the guys is a growing entrepreneur himself, battling his tendency to not complete things, to not be successful. I was honest with both of them about my thinking currently, and it helped spilling it out. It's very self serving on my part (I think), but while I shared I grabbed onto truths that collided with my very mindset of not moving, and I aired them. Like I found some relief by visiting my own thinking while talking. I've done this while writing here, and I'm glad I wrote, as it reminded me.
And girls: I've not been scoping around for them since I've realized DMSI is trying to grow me into a successful person, in both my eyes and others. I've been WAY more focused on setting up my business. Starting "A" this week scared me some, and I've whined to myself a lot. I am holding on though. It's too soon to jump off, especially since it's only been under a month. UD was slow building up too, but once it kicked in, it held me on it. I did test 2 loops last night. I'm a bit off today, so I'll stick with one.
But one thing is sticking out. I truly think really low of myself, which I've realized this week. I realized I had this "I can't succeed" message in my head. THAT is so very, very prominent in my head. This has battled dating, doing my own business, and even working as a good employee. AND even nurturing personal relationships, people I've known for years. I feel sh**** today not wanting or choosing to go see my mom. That's a whole bag of confusing messages for me since (as I see it) she does not want any change in her life. This "I can't succeed" message has been running my life, and I've been a yes-man in response. Well, before DMSI anyway.
But DMSI is going head to head with this message. I'm attracted to and pursuing good things all in spite of it. I'll start "B" Thursday, which i like. Wondering what'll happen.
Big changes are happening inside. And I'm not here to share answers really, but to seek knowledge.
Had to restart my post. I'm trying to paint a "I have my s*** together" picture. That's a friggin lie. It's always mixed, mostly.
Job: going well. Asked the boss about a position he offered. He actually went into sales pitch mode, as if he wanted me to know they wanted me. I felt really complimented seeing as he gave this with us leaving the shop at the end of the day, with us outside standing near our vehicles. I'd been cautious since when I'm leaving, I'm thinking they do too. Him turning around gave me hope :-)
My business: This is actually why I'm writing. I am making a YT video ad, I worked on it 5 hours Friday night, but I need to edit some things..........and I'm trying to hide from this possible change, all imagined. Since that night I've tried to acknowledge what is holding me up. Fear. Nothing but fear. I need to delete some words, reword other things, and "thinking" about it is......my old safe spot. Because doing it seems like I'm trying to release it to others--where I'll have no control of the outcome. I keep trying to set my mind in some "safe" place, all places from the past. A fear of over-responsibility is at the root, thinking (and remembering) I'll be responsible for (fill in the blank, all negative). I've had mere traces of memories surface, and no dreams (remembered anyway)
Connected here is the fact that I visited my friends last night for our usual money game. One of the guys is a growing entrepreneur himself, battling his tendency to not complete things, to not be successful. I was honest with both of them about my thinking currently, and it helped spilling it out. It's very self serving on my part (I think), but while I shared I grabbed onto truths that collided with my very mindset of not moving, and I aired them. Like I found some relief by visiting my own thinking while talking. I've done this while writing here, and I'm glad I wrote, as it reminded me.
And girls: I've not been scoping around for them since I've realized DMSI is trying to grow me into a successful person, in both my eyes and others. I've been WAY more focused on setting up my business. Starting "A" this week scared me some, and I've whined to myself a lot. I am holding on though. It's too soon to jump off, especially since it's only been under a month. UD was slow building up too, but once it kicked in, it held me on it. I did test 2 loops last night. I'm a bit off today, so I'll stick with one.
But one thing is sticking out. I truly think really low of myself, which I've realized this week. I realized I had this "I can't succeed" message in my head. THAT is so very, very prominent in my head. This has battled dating, doing my own business, and even working as a good employee. AND even nurturing personal relationships, people I've known for years. I feel sh**** today not wanting or choosing to go see my mom. That's a whole bag of confusing messages for me since (as I see it) she does not want any change in her life. This "I can't succeed" message has been running my life, and I've been a yes-man in response. Well, before DMSI anyway.
But DMSI is going head to head with this message. I'm attracted to and pursuing good things all in spite of it. I'll start "B" Thursday, which i like. Wondering what'll happen.
I want to be FREE!
