06-10-2018, 08:33 AM
Ugh loaded up on caffeine today. It's not the worst thing, but I find myself doing this consistently on the weekends. It's definitely part of a resistance tactic. At work I usually drink herbal tea. I think when I have the caffeine it makes me less anxious in general because it disrupts DMSI from influencing me. It's like powering up the resistant part of me so it can override stuff.
I've been looking back on my life a bit and I've realized I went through really really heavy depressive episodes. During those times there were some tv shows and music I binged on and now those states seem to be linked. I'm hoping with the healing and clearing I can disconnect from those associations and regain appreciation for that stuff without having it trigger anxiety or a feeling of dread. In general I feel like there's more bad stuff I have filling my head right now than good. I'd like to start building more positive memories and associations.
I think that's a large part of what keeps me trapped in cycles. It's those conditioned responses to things I need to break. Triggers that cause me to rerun old programming in my head. Most of which I was never really conscious of. Something as simple as following a simple road that used to lead me to a crappy place I worked at. So then I experience anxiety, but that anxiety gets past on to current life situations and snowballs.
I had a moment when the summer weather started to hit. I stepped outside after work and the smell of the nice weather immediately brought me back to when I was a teenager skating every day. I'd often take a break and look up at the clouds feeling alone, scared, lost. Longing for something different but unable to get it. I just started to feel myself get really emotional. I think a part of me still feels that way.
The other night I looked up at the stars and I thought about life in general. Was I happy? I started thinking about the good job I had, my friends, my family, and my health. But then I stopped myself and told myself to be honest. It's not a hard question, I just overthink it because I've noticed some people get criticized for not being happy. If you have to really think about if you're happy odds are you aren't. When I'm in nature it's like everything makes sense to me. But then when I'm doing everything else in my life it feels artificial and forced. It's hard to describe but it's almost abrasive, like sand paper rubbing against my energy.
The question that's always on my mind. Do a lot of people feel like this? Or is it the fact that I'm different and expected to conform into a system I don't particularly care for? A system that caters towards certain personalities that I don't fit, so I have to find a different way. I know that sounds a bit pretentious, but honestly it feels like I'm trying just too damn hard vs just being. Going against my inner flow seems counterproductive towards my own personal success. I damn sure don't care about societies definition of success anymore, I'm past that point now. I'm trying to associate with people who don't carry on those toxic beliefs as well. Nothings worse than wanting to venture out and other people impose limitations on you because they're afraid.
I've been looking back on my life a bit and I've realized I went through really really heavy depressive episodes. During those times there were some tv shows and music I binged on and now those states seem to be linked. I'm hoping with the healing and clearing I can disconnect from those associations and regain appreciation for that stuff without having it trigger anxiety or a feeling of dread. In general I feel like there's more bad stuff I have filling my head right now than good. I'd like to start building more positive memories and associations.
I think that's a large part of what keeps me trapped in cycles. It's those conditioned responses to things I need to break. Triggers that cause me to rerun old programming in my head. Most of which I was never really conscious of. Something as simple as following a simple road that used to lead me to a crappy place I worked at. So then I experience anxiety, but that anxiety gets past on to current life situations and snowballs.
I had a moment when the summer weather started to hit. I stepped outside after work and the smell of the nice weather immediately brought me back to when I was a teenager skating every day. I'd often take a break and look up at the clouds feeling alone, scared, lost. Longing for something different but unable to get it. I just started to feel myself get really emotional. I think a part of me still feels that way.
The other night I looked up at the stars and I thought about life in general. Was I happy? I started thinking about the good job I had, my friends, my family, and my health. But then I stopped myself and told myself to be honest. It's not a hard question, I just overthink it because I've noticed some people get criticized for not being happy. If you have to really think about if you're happy odds are you aren't. When I'm in nature it's like everything makes sense to me. But then when I'm doing everything else in my life it feels artificial and forced. It's hard to describe but it's almost abrasive, like sand paper rubbing against my energy.
The question that's always on my mind. Do a lot of people feel like this? Or is it the fact that I'm different and expected to conform into a system I don't particularly care for? A system that caters towards certain personalities that I don't fit, so I have to find a different way. I know that sounds a bit pretentious, but honestly it feels like I'm trying just too damn hard vs just being. Going against my inner flow seems counterproductive towards my own personal success. I damn sure don't care about societies definition of success anymore, I'm past that point now. I'm trying to associate with people who don't carry on those toxic beliefs as well. Nothings worse than wanting to venture out and other people impose limitations on you because they're afraid.
INFP
