34 days into E2
Being more of myself
Went out and partied some yesterday and had a pretty good time, and had an experience that tells me that something is definately changing.
Met a girl at McDonalds with my friend and joked a bit with her, and I felt that I could be myself, not trying to get any validation, just being me, spontaneus and saying whatever I was thinking. She kept repeating that I was such a "cool guy" and "nice person". Also I gave her a speech about that she was a really fun girl (she was) and that she should feel that she was that, as I noticed her having some self-esteem problems when she told about her dating history. She really looked me deeply in my eyes when I did that, as she really seemed to like me. I didn't do it to get something, I just said what I felt needed to be said, I was purely honest.
Afterwards, she asked me if I wanted to go home with her. But I was tired so i kindly declined. Felt somewhat bad afterwards because I may have hurt her feelings, but I think that it wasn't that bad so I let that feeling go.
On my home-situation:
I'm not as much affected by the moods of others. Especially my mom. She is an expert at being a victim, whatever the situation is. Previously her upset emotions tended to get to me, but not so much anymore.
She just told me with a condescending tone that I am very tired today and asked what I did yesterday (in a tone that was more of -what the hell did you do yesterday? as I had done something wrong. I just told her I was partying and told her that I was tired, without buying into her blame-calling. I finished with the statement "anyway it only affect me", because it does, but not to her because she is so damn not-independent emotionally that she want me to react/take care of her emotionally. That's not my repsonsiblity, which I more and more are both begining to understand and carry out in my behavior. Great progress.
Deservedness to heal
I'm feeling something new - like i actually deserve to heal and feel good. I didn't even know that I didn't felt that before, but now I am starting to feel it. Probably the module from E2 that is helping with that.
