I am writing on girls separately, as DMSI opened my eyes to something this past weekend.
I had a spell of missing my daughter again, thinking on her since I cleaned up my whole place. I have numerous pictures of her, and with each one, both my resentments and expectations would increase.
But ALSO, a growing understanding and compassion has risen. I'll read into my daughter's face (in her pictures) feelings I'm experiencing. Cut to the point: I've lived based on her acceptance of me, of her leading me, and I only reacted to her good or bad mood. Yes, I just said that. I realized I'd put her into a caretaking role for myself, instead of me taking care of her. I was very dependent on her leading me, like I'd expected my brother to do, a game of confused parenting. My own mother set us up for this, so I modeled it to my own daughter.
Scarily, I connected this to why I've eyed younger girls (late teens), since they are still often very emotionally vulnerable. I was like "OH F***".............I'd put my own daughter in this league. This is unhealthy, unhealthy....... And strewn with resentment landmines everywhere I turn.
I've done this. I've thought like this. And I'm rejecting lies that it'll turn out "good". Lies. All lies. I'm distancing myself from this whole GD lie! I have to.
I've felt a lot of relief seeing that and not being ok with it. I'm turning from it inside.
And last night I went shopping for work snacks. I picked up my stuff, and chose to face my fears that I'd be "weird" by choosing to go into a line of one attractive girl. Her coworker stayed with her bagging my stuff (all of 5 items), but she left since (IMO) I didn't wish to toy with her emotions by looking at her. I talked with my cashier, but mostly to face my own fears that I'd use people wherever and whenever I wanted to. I felt good after leaving, having not been thinking like a slimeball.
DMSI is tearing up my norm with women. And I have choice. I wish to live without regrets, and I have been successful in the last few days.
I had a spell of missing my daughter again, thinking on her since I cleaned up my whole place. I have numerous pictures of her, and with each one, both my resentments and expectations would increase.
But ALSO, a growing understanding and compassion has risen. I'll read into my daughter's face (in her pictures) feelings I'm experiencing. Cut to the point: I've lived based on her acceptance of me, of her leading me, and I only reacted to her good or bad mood. Yes, I just said that. I realized I'd put her into a caretaking role for myself, instead of me taking care of her. I was very dependent on her leading me, like I'd expected my brother to do, a game of confused parenting. My own mother set us up for this, so I modeled it to my own daughter.
Scarily, I connected this to why I've eyed younger girls (late teens), since they are still often very emotionally vulnerable. I was like "OH F***".............I'd put my own daughter in this league. This is unhealthy, unhealthy....... And strewn with resentment landmines everywhere I turn.
I've done this. I've thought like this. And I'm rejecting lies that it'll turn out "good". Lies. All lies. I'm distancing myself from this whole GD lie! I have to.
I've felt a lot of relief seeing that and not being ok with it. I'm turning from it inside.
And last night I went shopping for work snacks. I picked up my stuff, and chose to face my fears that I'd be "weird" by choosing to go into a line of one attractive girl. Her coworker stayed with her bagging my stuff (all of 5 items), but she left since (IMO) I didn't wish to toy with her emotions by looking at her. I talked with my cashier, but mostly to face my own fears that I'd use people wherever and whenever I wanted to. I felt good after leaving, having not been thinking like a slimeball.
DMSI is tearing up my norm with women. And I have choice. I wish to live without regrets, and I have been successful in the last few days.
I want to be FREE!
