06-03-2018, 10:48 AM
I've not been posting lately, and in part, I am executing the sub. The OE is making steady changes in me.
I am feeling different mentally this week. This transition, this "I don't need to morph for everybody" has been, well, exactly that--a transition. I've considered posting a half dozen times this week, and a major part of me is saying "Why?" It's questioning my actual motives since I've come here repeatedly trying to manipulate for people to respond, react, and just tell me what to do on a regular basis.
I noticed this at work as well, since one man I've been very submissive around, and this week I've detached from that wormy, needy stance. I've withdrawn from every single relationship I've had this stance with, so I've detached from.....everyone.
It is apparent to me that I've been drawn towards needy people as well. Even stronger characters I've known have let out an unspoken "I need help too but don't know how to admit it" kind of message. And me changing is changing everything. I don't need everyone else to decide for me all the time! This is new, very new.
I just got off the phone with my mom. I changed plans on going over there, but I called instead of texting, and we talked 30 minutes. I'd been following internal guilt leadings to visit her regularly, but I got the message (from myself) that I needed to take care of my own business. It sucks on Monday when I get to work realizing I took care of everyone else on the weekend, but ignored myself!
And this is an active process. So much so that I'm going to jump off now. Staying on is fear based, me pleading for assistance, so NO!
I am feeling different mentally this week. This transition, this "I don't need to morph for everybody" has been, well, exactly that--a transition. I've considered posting a half dozen times this week, and a major part of me is saying "Why?" It's questioning my actual motives since I've come here repeatedly trying to manipulate for people to respond, react, and just tell me what to do on a regular basis.
I noticed this at work as well, since one man I've been very submissive around, and this week I've detached from that wormy, needy stance. I've withdrawn from every single relationship I've had this stance with, so I've detached from.....everyone.
It is apparent to me that I've been drawn towards needy people as well. Even stronger characters I've known have let out an unspoken "I need help too but don't know how to admit it" kind of message. And me changing is changing everything. I don't need everyone else to decide for me all the time! This is new, very new.
I just got off the phone with my mom. I changed plans on going over there, but I called instead of texting, and we talked 30 minutes. I'd been following internal guilt leadings to visit her regularly, but I got the message (from myself) that I needed to take care of my own business. It sucks on Monday when I get to work realizing I took care of everyone else on the weekend, but ignored myself!
And this is an active process. So much so that I'm going to jump off now. Staying on is fear based, me pleading for assistance, so NO!
I want to be FREE!
