DMSI 3.2 it's official

[mat422]

So it's interesting how ever since I started DMSI my life has been steadily improving, yet it feels like it's getting worse. Recently my job responsibilities have grown and despite handling the tasks given to me I'm convinced I can't do it. This caused feelings of wanting to leave the job as I was "unhappy". But the unhappiness was really a clever rationalization for being afraid of pushing my comfort zone and taking on more challenges. The irony was when I didn't have as many challenges in the job I was getting restless, but I also didn't want challenges because I was afraid of failing. The more I push towards success, the more it seems part of me wants to just sabotage all of it in favor of "safety". Unfortunately my idea of safety is unemployed and never leaving the house. That's not an option, so I wish my subconscious would stop attempting to bring that about.

Along with that is my music. I've gotten better, but all I see is stuff I don't like. There's boundaries and challenges I have to push with that too. My subconscious response? Let's just stop working on music and binge watch a tv show instead. I don't feel particularly good doing that, but I don't feel particularly good making music either at the moment. So everything kind of just sucks.

And as far as women goes. My self esteem took a serious nose dive these past few weeks. Which I got wrapped up in instead of remaining detached towards it.

It's like my subconscious is trying to get me to see I'm just a big massive failure therefore I should just quit dmsi. It masks or minimizes the success and magnifies the negative.

Now Mat, what beliefs underlie that choice of actions by your subconscious? Can you find out?

I'll do my best Shannon. As far as I can tell right now this all stems from my massive fear of people I've had since I was younger. The closer I get to success all around, not just women, the more I'll have to interact and let other people into my life. Which I guess in my mind is more chance of rejection or my flaws being exposed. I guess there might be some self worth issues there still. But possibly I'm not moving on from them because if I did I'd be forming relationships with people more and opening myself to the possibility of being hurt. Basically it feels like I know what the barrier is and what's been holding me back, but it doesn't feel safe to remove it. When I think about it it feels like the negatives of it far outweigh the positives. It feels like a self preservation thing and it's more of a gamble than a positive outcome. As ridiculous as that sounds.

I'll have to keep digging to see what else comes up. I'm definitely hitting on a lifelong issue thing here.