DMSI version A break
yesterday morning I ran my loops of A version. very tired, depressed right now like my subc is going tooth and nail, having lots of self judgment coming up, seeing myself as needy while it aint. like I said, negative judgment/trauma. the tiredness and depression also seem to cause a split. Like, not procrastination, but a fuck all and yet wanting to curl up and letting h/c ensue. At times I feel fake, like, flat, like, acting even. It all comes down with being okay with myself. like, those negative judgment aint what they are as I have glimpses of owning it fully, being a huge celebrity superstar.
Also, yesterday evening I had a shift coming through.
"fuck women, enjoy life"after noticing how Im somewhat still expecting things, like IOIs, looks and all, making me appear, atleast, according to my judgment, needy.
There is still insecurity in my psyche, in my mind, fear coming up and what not. Its brutal and last thing I want to do is standing in the way of h/c now. whatever.
Had a chat today with J. we spoke business, what holds me back and what not, the why's, which is the most prominent drive for me. to ask myself this. it sends up a whole mirage, tieing back to several other patterns and threads. Like, an now spotted huige ocean of emotion, an well of tears still there, the whole can of worms.
In other news, in a way, im feeling the struggle and the coming out of this is blowing me the f#ck away. nice. Its like being out of balance and having ties all ways, like a huge spiderweb, and re-centring kyself, being calm allows the current to flow.
I might contact some rule 4 stuff, but alas, I know the connection to em all. Its even making me want to bawl my eyes out, out of awe and feeling loved.
Im feeling young, regressing in age now, like a warm blanket being wrapped around me. why tho. an part of me calling out, crying out, being acknowledged? beautiful.
Now, im going to shed some tears. Shits goin way deeper then I thought. It might be a source as to why my body feels so ridden and stiff.
ps; next cycle 7 loops of A. possibly just masked this time.
yesterday morning I ran my loops of A version. very tired, depressed right now like my subc is going tooth and nail, having lots of self judgment coming up, seeing myself as needy while it aint. like I said, negative judgment/trauma. the tiredness and depression also seem to cause a split. Like, not procrastination, but a fuck all and yet wanting to curl up and letting h/c ensue. At times I feel fake, like, flat, like, acting even. It all comes down with being okay with myself. like, those negative judgment aint what they are as I have glimpses of owning it fully, being a huge celebrity superstar.
Also, yesterday evening I had a shift coming through.
"fuck women, enjoy life"after noticing how Im somewhat still expecting things, like IOIs, looks and all, making me appear, atleast, according to my judgment, needy.
There is still insecurity in my psyche, in my mind, fear coming up and what not. Its brutal and last thing I want to do is standing in the way of h/c now. whatever.
Had a chat today with J. we spoke business, what holds me back and what not, the why's, which is the most prominent drive for me. to ask myself this. it sends up a whole mirage, tieing back to several other patterns and threads. Like, an now spotted huige ocean of emotion, an well of tears still there, the whole can of worms.
In other news, in a way, im feeling the struggle and the coming out of this is blowing me the f#ck away. nice. Its like being out of balance and having ties all ways, like a huge spiderweb, and re-centring kyself, being calm allows the current to flow.
I might contact some rule 4 stuff, but alas, I know the connection to em all. Its even making me want to bawl my eyes out, out of awe and feeling loved.
Im feeling young, regressing in age now, like a warm blanket being wrapped around me. why tho. an part of me calling out, crying out, being acknowledged? beautiful.
Now, im going to shed some tears. Shits goin way deeper then I thought. It might be a source as to why my body feels so ridden and stiff.
ps; next cycle 7 loops of A. possibly just masked this time.
The trials you encounter will introduce you to your strengths. - epictetus
