For the first time in a very long time, in a sober state, I feel that I can just "be", and enjoy being. Not thinking about what to do next, worrying, etc, but just being. I have missed that. I stood on the front "porch" of our house and just listened to the birds chirping and took at deep breath and just was, and that was what made me realize that I have become better. Even though that my mind isn't as sharp as it can be, and my thoughts are a bit blurry, and even my vision is a bit off, _I_ am here now. And I'm not that worried all the time or second guessing myself either, or being super aware of other peoples opinions or so, I have myself back.
Just wanted to state that for the record
On friday I have runned E2 for 1 month. My meditation is becoming more enjoyable. I'm starting to enjoy taking cold showers. I have more energy. Things are lightening up
Also some other stuff:
Just wanted to state that for the record
On friday I have runned E2 for 1 month. My meditation is becoming more enjoyable. I'm starting to enjoy taking cold showers. I have more energy. Things are lightening up
Also some other stuff:
- I am no longer so damn involved in trying to soothe/make other people feel better. They have their emotions and if they are suffering, it's not my problem. I don't mean that I wouldn't comfort a friend who had just broken up with his girlfriend, but more on a daily basis. I am pretty sensitive and have an ability to sense how other people are feeling, and adjust my behavior so that they feel better about themselves (my theory, which i am pretty sure of, is that this stems from having a mother who can't take care of herself emotionally, and thus as I child i learned that this is "how you should do" i.e. - take care of other peoples (my mothers in that case) suffering from their own emotions. So that is a deep thing that have been residing in me on a behavioral level and the confusion I have been feeling is probably that I need to adjust into a life where I'm not responsible for other peoples emotions.
I can see my mother trying to use "tricks" like using guilt or whatever to get me to become involved in her emotional states, but it doesn't work anymore and I guess i can thank E2 to that. I am more resiliant if you like, which is such a relief. It's a damn freedom. Imagine being more or less a slave under other peoples desire of you comforting them, and now you have the freedom to say NO (not litteraly but you get what i mean) and stick to taking care of yourself.
I am looking forward to this. To life. To taking care of myself. To take care of a job, my economy, my future home, my interest, my friends, my life. And not needing to take care of someone else. I'm done with that, I have been doing that for my whole life, without feeling guilty about it. Now I want to start living.
Thinking of a song:
Kygo - It ain't me
.
- I am doing a Yoga exercise every morning called "chair pose" for three minutes. I'm getting more and more stronger, and I can feel how much contact with my body and my contact with the strenght in the body is increasing. The pose is to increase grounding, and I am looking forward to feel more and more grounded.
