05-28-2018, 01:52 PM
So there's definitely something going on here. I thought I was done with emotional healing for the most part. But I decided instead of ignoring my emotions and waiting for DMSI to heal them I'd sit with them and see what comes up. I've been hiding from this stuff through work, tv shows, and working on my music. But there's definitely still stuff there I haven't come to terms with. I kept thinking if I just sucked it up and kept trying to bulldoze through everything I'd reach my goals.
I got hit with flashbacks today of my parents fighting. Feeling like it was all my fault in some way. Wanting to run away and hide in my room and not come out. I always got really upset when stuff like this happened. Made it feel like it wasn't safe in my own house. The unpredictable nature of it was what got me the most. I could go from having a pretty good day to a bad one with no warning. Maybe that's where my anxiety around people comes from, unable to let down my guard for fear of conflict arising or an inability to trust.
I think part of my mind is still stuck at these moments of time and despite being fully grown I still act out how I felt as a child because I never really acknowledged any of it. In any case I'm trying harder to not dismiss what comes up to be healed and I'm trying to be more connected to my own emotions. Despite a lot of my suffering over the years emotionally I've realized I'm actually really disconnected from how I feel in general.
Besides that finally finished up a song I've been working on. Figured I'd share it here because what the hell. I talk about my music a lot but never really show anyone my stuff. The title is pretty self explanatory and it's one of the few songs I've written lately where I was able to actually capture how I was feeling.
https://soundcloud.com/hconscious/leave-...ace-behind
I got hit with flashbacks today of my parents fighting. Feeling like it was all my fault in some way. Wanting to run away and hide in my room and not come out. I always got really upset when stuff like this happened. Made it feel like it wasn't safe in my own house. The unpredictable nature of it was what got me the most. I could go from having a pretty good day to a bad one with no warning. Maybe that's where my anxiety around people comes from, unable to let down my guard for fear of conflict arising or an inability to trust.
I think part of my mind is still stuck at these moments of time and despite being fully grown I still act out how I felt as a child because I never really acknowledged any of it. In any case I'm trying harder to not dismiss what comes up to be healed and I'm trying to be more connected to my own emotions. Despite a lot of my suffering over the years emotionally I've realized I'm actually really disconnected from how I feel in general.
Besides that finally finished up a song I've been working on. Figured I'd share it here because what the hell. I talk about my music a lot but never really show anyone my stuff. The title is pretty self explanatory and it's one of the few songs I've written lately where I was able to actually capture how I was feeling.
https://soundcloud.com/hconscious/leave-...ace-behind
INFP
