05-28-2018, 07:15 AM
I've consciously decided today that I need to sit with whatever comes up and stop running. To heal I have to first become aware of what the problem really is instead of assuming I know what it is and glossing over long standing emotional damage. From there I have to focus on healing that core damage and learn how it manifests in my life and the coping mechanisms I've learned that no longer serve me.
One thing I've struggled with is I never had a particularly troubling childhood. Or I don't think. See my parents did the best they could raising me and I love them, but I have to accept that maybe there were some things that impacted me. It's hard talking about things like emotional neglect when it wasn't that severe and somewhere out there is a parent starving their kid and locking them in a closet. I guess due to my own nature I took a lot of things to heart. There wasn't a barrier like with some kids. All I know is my mom would have moments of absence, she was physically there but I felt like I didn't matter because there was no acknowledgement or response to what I said. I was also a middle child, so I tended to be overlooked the most. All this was repeated during my childhood, it got to a point where I was reluctant to speak, starting thinking what's the point nobody cares what I have to say, then eventually it probably just devolved into me feeling like I had no worth.
As an adult it's hard to come to terms with this stuff. In my rational adult brain it says my parents did their best, it wasn't that bad, you're blowing things out of proportion. Yet all my behavior up to this point is consistent with that feeling of being invisible, unwanted, not having any intrinsic worth. There's a real cognitive dissonance in me where I accept my parents love me on a more rational level, but I don't feel they actually do. And on top of that I feel really bad because I know they've done a lot for me and I feel guilt that I can't feel that love.
Like I said, the difficulty of coming to terms with this is compounded when I'm aware that this is minor compared to what other kids grow up with. Yet I can't deny the impact it's made on me. It feels like everything I've learned in my life has been through this filter of not being good enough. And I'm not trying to play a victim here, but honestly it feels like I have to relearn how to live life the right way.
One thing I've struggled with is I never had a particularly troubling childhood. Or I don't think. See my parents did the best they could raising me and I love them, but I have to accept that maybe there were some things that impacted me. It's hard talking about things like emotional neglect when it wasn't that severe and somewhere out there is a parent starving their kid and locking them in a closet. I guess due to my own nature I took a lot of things to heart. There wasn't a barrier like with some kids. All I know is my mom would have moments of absence, she was physically there but I felt like I didn't matter because there was no acknowledgement or response to what I said. I was also a middle child, so I tended to be overlooked the most. All this was repeated during my childhood, it got to a point where I was reluctant to speak, starting thinking what's the point nobody cares what I have to say, then eventually it probably just devolved into me feeling like I had no worth.
As an adult it's hard to come to terms with this stuff. In my rational adult brain it says my parents did their best, it wasn't that bad, you're blowing things out of proportion. Yet all my behavior up to this point is consistent with that feeling of being invisible, unwanted, not having any intrinsic worth. There's a real cognitive dissonance in me where I accept my parents love me on a more rational level, but I don't feel they actually do. And on top of that I feel really bad because I know they've done a lot for me and I feel guilt that I can't feel that love.
Like I said, the difficulty of coming to terms with this is compounded when I'm aware that this is minor compared to what other kids grow up with. Yet I can't deny the impact it's made on me. It feels like everything I've learned in my life has been through this filter of not being good enough. And I'm not trying to play a victim here, but honestly it feels like I have to relearn how to live life the right way.
INFP
