05-22-2018, 04:20 PM
I went from a ton of rage and getting angry at the part of myself that is afraid of what other people think to understanding and consequently more emotional processing.
I think it's about time I stop trying to deny who I am as a person or individual. Being an introvert and more sensitive, honestly not at all typical masculinity has always made me feel like I needed to toughen up or be someone else. Or that I was somehow flawed and needed to be "fixed". A lot of anxiety just comes from the fact that I've never been ok with who I am. I always saw it as shameful somehow.
I guess that brings me to my next thought. Maybe holding this belief of needing to fix myself caused me to not even heal in the first place. If I felt I wasn't good enough somehow and I kept trying to overwrite that not good enough feeling by being someone else, then I never really tackled the core issue. Of course there's fear to consider as well. If I gave myself permission to feel good enough about myself that would mean people would be interacting with the real me and it would be "dangerous" to expose myself to them. I seemed to always bounce between the extremes of "I'm worthless" and "I'm going to completely reject who I am and be someone else". So I'd either be knee deep in shame and self loathing or in constant denial of parts of me I needed to integrate.
I think it's about time I stop trying to deny who I am as a person or individual. Being an introvert and more sensitive, honestly not at all typical masculinity has always made me feel like I needed to toughen up or be someone else. Or that I was somehow flawed and needed to be "fixed". A lot of anxiety just comes from the fact that I've never been ok with who I am. I always saw it as shameful somehow.
I guess that brings me to my next thought. Maybe holding this belief of needing to fix myself caused me to not even heal in the first place. If I felt I wasn't good enough somehow and I kept trying to overwrite that not good enough feeling by being someone else, then I never really tackled the core issue. Of course there's fear to consider as well. If I gave myself permission to feel good enough about myself that would mean people would be interacting with the real me and it would be "dangerous" to expose myself to them. I seemed to always bounce between the extremes of "I'm worthless" and "I'm going to completely reject who I am and be someone else". So I'd either be knee deep in shame and self loathing or in constant denial of parts of me I needed to integrate.
INFP
