05-19-2018, 11:05 AM
Just had an epiphany. This pain was so bad. Like just feeling I was dying. All the fear, the unworthiness, the feeling like an absolute failure. I have to retract my statement about going through all this. We don't have to suffer to heal.
These past few weeks I've been throwing myself in a metaphorical fire of emotional pain and suffering. Thinking if I just somehow outlasted all the pain I'd come out the other side changed. All I was doing was retraumatizing myself over and over. Meanwhile the part of me trying to help by encouraging me with positive words and trying to build me up was ignored as a delusion or wishful thinking.
The solution is and always has been simple. If I feel like a failure or that I'm worthless I have to do whatever it takes to change that thinking. I don't have to accept it as some truth. And even if it's hard to change at first, that doesn't mean thinking positively is useless. By giving up, I just gave more power to the negative and built it up as this inherent truth or reality.
I've been keeping myself down for too long. Every time negative thoughts creeped in I'd allow them and I endlessly think about them instead of just rejecting them and changing them. I don't have to believe those awful things about myself anymore. I don't know why I'm so insistent that those negative things about myself are my identity. Maybe it's just the fact I've lived like that for so long and it's really just ingrained in me.
The one good thing about going through all that pain though is it pushed me to a point where I knew I had to do something different. Honestly I was having suicidal thoughts earlier this week but they are gone now. Not that I was planning anything, but it got to a point where I didn't see a way out or a better life and I was questioning if ending it would be less painful in the long run. But I have this feeling of happiness right now because I can just choose to love myself and throw away all those negative things that were getting to me.
I feel like this is a huge step forward for me. Realizing that I can let go of these limitations I've put on myself for what I am or am not deserving of in life. I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted and instead of crushing myself with all these negative thoughts and feelings, I'm elevating myself with positivity and self love.
These past few weeks I've been throwing myself in a metaphorical fire of emotional pain and suffering. Thinking if I just somehow outlasted all the pain I'd come out the other side changed. All I was doing was retraumatizing myself over and over. Meanwhile the part of me trying to help by encouraging me with positive words and trying to build me up was ignored as a delusion or wishful thinking.
The solution is and always has been simple. If I feel like a failure or that I'm worthless I have to do whatever it takes to change that thinking. I don't have to accept it as some truth. And even if it's hard to change at first, that doesn't mean thinking positively is useless. By giving up, I just gave more power to the negative and built it up as this inherent truth or reality.
I've been keeping myself down for too long. Every time negative thoughts creeped in I'd allow them and I endlessly think about them instead of just rejecting them and changing them. I don't have to believe those awful things about myself anymore. I don't know why I'm so insistent that those negative things about myself are my identity. Maybe it's just the fact I've lived like that for so long and it's really just ingrained in me.
The one good thing about going through all that pain though is it pushed me to a point where I knew I had to do something different. Honestly I was having suicidal thoughts earlier this week but they are gone now. Not that I was planning anything, but it got to a point where I didn't see a way out or a better life and I was questioning if ending it would be less painful in the long run. But I have this feeling of happiness right now because I can just choose to love myself and throw away all those negative things that were getting to me.
I feel like this is a huge step forward for me. Realizing that I can let go of these limitations I've put on myself for what I am or am not deserving of in life. I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted and instead of crushing myself with all these negative thoughts and feelings, I'm elevating myself with positivity and self love.
INFP
