05-19-2018, 09:42 AM
I feel like hiding today. I f****** up, and I'm beating the s*** out of myself.
It's like I've done this before. I've sabotaged myself here, hoping to find something familiar. I feel ashamed, but it's old shame surfacing. Again, I went looking for something I could recognize. I am not proud.
What is "familiar" for me?
Staying in my s***. It's the most miserable place, tbh. I avoided/steered clear of change, I went to my "norm", and I'm not happy here.
I keep trying to find a "happy place", but it's not working. I even go to subs seeking that feeling, and when I feel scared of what I'm feeling, I usually hide. I feel like I'm bringing pain on myself, so I judge myself heavily. And seeking others out is so glued to me putting on fronts. GD exhausting. So, I hide.
I was on mat422's thread this morning, and he uttered words I could so identify with. Like I can't be me, I have to make my mask seem perfect......but on A my BS is in the spotlight (to myself) so I judge the hell out of myself. I'll get through this. I'm just venting hoping I'll be honest with myself eventually. F***!!!!
It's like I've done this before. I've sabotaged myself here, hoping to find something familiar. I feel ashamed, but it's old shame surfacing. Again, I went looking for something I could recognize. I am not proud.
What is "familiar" for me?
Staying in my s***. It's the most miserable place, tbh. I avoided/steered clear of change, I went to my "norm", and I'm not happy here.
I keep trying to find a "happy place", but it's not working. I even go to subs seeking that feeling, and when I feel scared of what I'm feeling, I usually hide. I feel like I'm bringing pain on myself, so I judge myself heavily. And seeking others out is so glued to me putting on fronts. GD exhausting. So, I hide.
I was on mat422's thread this morning, and he uttered words I could so identify with. Like I can't be me, I have to make my mask seem perfect......but on A my BS is in the spotlight (to myself) so I judge the hell out of myself. I'll get through this. I'm just venting hoping I'll be honest with myself eventually. F***!!!!
I want to be FREE!
