05-19-2018, 06:03 AM
Going through another rough patch. Worst one yet. It's got me thinking about healing in general again.
Basically my approval seeking behavior to appear well adjusted and "normal" has caused me to push away deeper stuff that needs healing. It's also caused me to abandon healing midway through in an attempt to look more competent on this forum. I still have shame over dealing with both depression and anxiety and it's that shame that prevents me from really letting go of it. It acts as a barrier to acknowledging it in the first place.
I should be healing to get better. Not to gain validation from others that I'm a more functional member of society. You ever just wake up and realize, what have I done for myself lately? The answer for me is nothing. Everything seems to be externally motivated. This is why I'm depressed all the time, I'm lead around on a leash by the whims of others. I don't practice my own free will or choice.
I've gotten really good at convincing even myself that I'm happy when I'm not. I don't like when other people worry over me or become upset because of me. So a lot of the time I lie to myself and others that things are going good and leave it at that. I manage for a week or two, until it starts eating at me. Like the other day at work, I couldn't keep lying to myself that this type of life was good for me.
I just don't understand why it's more important for me to appear well adjusted in the eyes of others vs accepting what I struggle with at times and being ok with that. Even with DMSI, I've made progress and then I want to appear like I'm moving along at a faster pace than I actually am. It's like I'm trying to outrun this emotionally damaged part of myself out of shame vs showing myself compassion and healing it.
The deeper I go with all this the more comes up. It gets to the point where I start to question if who I've been for the last few years is even me. Or if it was just a fabricated personality I created to deal with the challenges of life.
Basically my approval seeking behavior to appear well adjusted and "normal" has caused me to push away deeper stuff that needs healing. It's also caused me to abandon healing midway through in an attempt to look more competent on this forum. I still have shame over dealing with both depression and anxiety and it's that shame that prevents me from really letting go of it. It acts as a barrier to acknowledging it in the first place.
I should be healing to get better. Not to gain validation from others that I'm a more functional member of society. You ever just wake up and realize, what have I done for myself lately? The answer for me is nothing. Everything seems to be externally motivated. This is why I'm depressed all the time, I'm lead around on a leash by the whims of others. I don't practice my own free will or choice.
I've gotten really good at convincing even myself that I'm happy when I'm not. I don't like when other people worry over me or become upset because of me. So a lot of the time I lie to myself and others that things are going good and leave it at that. I manage for a week or two, until it starts eating at me. Like the other day at work, I couldn't keep lying to myself that this type of life was good for me.
I just don't understand why it's more important for me to appear well adjusted in the eyes of others vs accepting what I struggle with at times and being ok with that. Even with DMSI, I've made progress and then I want to appear like I'm moving along at a faster pace than I actually am. It's like I'm trying to outrun this emotionally damaged part of myself out of shame vs showing myself compassion and healing it.
The deeper I go with all this the more comes up. It gets to the point where I start to question if who I've been for the last few years is even me. Or if it was just a fabricated personality I created to deal with the challenges of life.
INFP
