05-18-2018, 02:37 PM
I'm feeling fear right now. No, I've been feeling pangs of fear--followed by a hint of hope--listening lately.
I've considered being honest, like without bulls*** or any other "covers". I'm not writing now about strong sexual urges (very few), fapping, or plans to go hunt women.
I'm realizing I've been hiding and lying again--from me. I've had those fear pangs since I've considered being honest around coworkers. BUT my fear isn't because of them. I've lied to me. I had this experience on Universal Detox. I treasured it once I got into it.
I'm crying to myself right now since I hurt me hiding out from me. I'm becoming strangely aware of the bulls*** masks I've been pulling up again. The masks aren't masks to attract attention. No, being honest would attract enough on its own. My masks beg me to say to the world "I'm fine. I DON'T WANT YOU OR NEED YOU." Maybe that's why I hurt; I'm pushing away people I love or would like to know better, both men and women. I am isolating myself with this BS cover.
For one, I've been becoming aware of resentments to my mom and older mother figures. I find young mothers hot lately, but a controlling personality really disgusts me. I realized this since one woman (mid-50s?) I've been doing business with online for a while, and I don't trust her. My anger (now) is out of place, and in my head (mostly) I've been seeking out bad traits of hers to validate this. F*** it sounds like a really f***ed up movie. I'll be fine, but my bad mood is stewing when I'm in a chat with her. My mask will shame me for thinking badly of her, I'll feel small for a moment.......yet my anger's been building steadily. I'm both scared I'll hurt or alienate her AND angry since she's in my s*** sometimes. I really try NOT to think about this most of the time, but DMSI is stewing something in me I am unaware of. It's not "BAD, BAD, BAD!" It's just uncomfortable for me.
And me fighting all this supressed emotion is tiring me out emotionally. Like someone at work is all panicked over something needing done, and I really DGAF. I'm thinking "SHUT UP!" as he wants someone to join him in his fear reaction. I've pretty unattached emotionally from the drama BS I see, even to where I've been seeking some comic relief in the middle of it. I did this today with this reactive coworker. But.......I think he wanted to be afraid. He then badmouthed the boss, the workplace, and anyone who he felt crossed by. Oh well, I don't care (wow, I don't).
I'm home being honest with me, as much as I can be now. I'm tired of venting. I'll write later.
I've considered being honest, like without bulls*** or any other "covers". I'm not writing now about strong sexual urges (very few), fapping, or plans to go hunt women.
I'm realizing I've been hiding and lying again--from me. I've had those fear pangs since I've considered being honest around coworkers. BUT my fear isn't because of them. I've lied to me. I had this experience on Universal Detox. I treasured it once I got into it.
I'm crying to myself right now since I hurt me hiding out from me. I'm becoming strangely aware of the bulls*** masks I've been pulling up again. The masks aren't masks to attract attention. No, being honest would attract enough on its own. My masks beg me to say to the world "I'm fine. I DON'T WANT YOU OR NEED YOU." Maybe that's why I hurt; I'm pushing away people I love or would like to know better, both men and women. I am isolating myself with this BS cover.
For one, I've been becoming aware of resentments to my mom and older mother figures. I find young mothers hot lately, but a controlling personality really disgusts me. I realized this since one woman (mid-50s?) I've been doing business with online for a while, and I don't trust her. My anger (now) is out of place, and in my head (mostly) I've been seeking out bad traits of hers to validate this. F*** it sounds like a really f***ed up movie. I'll be fine, but my bad mood is stewing when I'm in a chat with her. My mask will shame me for thinking badly of her, I'll feel small for a moment.......yet my anger's been building steadily. I'm both scared I'll hurt or alienate her AND angry since she's in my s*** sometimes. I really try NOT to think about this most of the time, but DMSI is stewing something in me I am unaware of. It's not "BAD, BAD, BAD!" It's just uncomfortable for me.
And me fighting all this supressed emotion is tiring me out emotionally. Like someone at work is all panicked over something needing done, and I really DGAF. I'm thinking "SHUT UP!" as he wants someone to join him in his fear reaction. I've pretty unattached emotionally from the drama BS I see, even to where I've been seeking some comic relief in the middle of it. I did this today with this reactive coworker. But.......I think he wanted to be afraid. He then badmouthed the boss, the workplace, and anyone who he felt crossed by. Oh well, I don't care (wow, I don't).
I'm home being honest with me, as much as I can be now. I'm tired of venting. I'll write later.
I want to be FREE!
