05-17-2018, 12:12 AM
I tried something different listening this morning. Borrowing someone's idea of waking up an hour earlier to start the loop and sleeping for another hour, I did just that. I feel it still running in my head, healing is happening (I feel it), so I am not all giddy about it. I am seeing (in my mind) a metal can, like a can of beans, but the top has been opened by an old can opener. It's been opened, but the lid is still on. I just have the choice of dumping it out, or taking the lid off to see what's inside. No rush, no fear, no plan.....no. Just a desire. I have desire to open it. Why would I want this? I know some pain will emerge.
If I question anything about my motives in this, it's about my desire for change. I'm trying to be honest (with myself). Motivation has always--mostly--come from other's acceptance or lack of it. Me relying on myself, as I posted in an earlier post, is new to me.
I'll not dig through that baggage here. I realized I'm seeking someone's direction again. A brother. A friend. I felt sad writing that, so that's being worked on.
I'm sharing this for me. The realization, the belief that my brother raping me was "love" is being checked. I've done some sexual abuse healing, digging, and reading, and that is a very common mis-understanding since ....why would someone who loved me do this? I've thought "oh, it was love".
Thank you for DMSI. I wouldn't have wanted to look into this myself. It makes me question everything about myself--my sexuality, motivations, all of it. I'm glad I have some "medicine" for it.
Unexpected: tears came. Been holding this in since my early teens. Over 30 years.
If I question anything about my motives in this, it's about my desire for change. I'm trying to be honest (with myself). Motivation has always--mostly--come from other's acceptance or lack of it. Me relying on myself, as I posted in an earlier post, is new to me.
I'll not dig through that baggage here. I realized I'm seeking someone's direction again. A brother. A friend. I felt sad writing that, so that's being worked on.
I'm sharing this for me. The realization, the belief that my brother raping me was "love" is being checked. I've done some sexual abuse healing, digging, and reading, and that is a very common mis-understanding since ....why would someone who loved me do this? I've thought "oh, it was love".
Thank you for DMSI. I wouldn't have wanted to look into this myself. It makes me question everything about myself--my sexuality, motivations, all of it. I'm glad I have some "medicine" for it.
Unexpected: tears came. Been holding this in since my early teens. Over 30 years.
I want to be FREE!
