Frick.....healing and clearing is on. I've been slowly realizing how close I am to dropping into the "eternal abyss" of grieving old relationships, desires lost, and my own mistaken or damaging beliefs I've had about myself.
Here goes. I haven't had this planned out, but I've been desiring to return to the world I used to have with my daughter. I felt as young as she did, and I felt immune from the fear of failing. I imagined I was young, free, and safe to explore.
I've reached out to my daughter a few times this week on IG, but she never replies.
I began feeling angry tonight, I sent her a message, no reply, so in 15 minutes I texted my ex-wife (who I have a lot of hate towards). I asked if our daughter was around, saying (whining really) that she never replies back. My b**** ex said "maybe she's got trust issues. Maybe her therapist tells her to avoid.....(she didn't put my name).
I was ready to fight her since she is a 100% defender of her daughter, even if she shot someone. She's an ignorant parent. Very smart, but very ignorant of the family dynamics going on, that she creates.
I didn't want to talk about my ex. It's what she said that stuck with me. She said "maybe she doesn't trust you."
I am sitting here, in flashback mode. Around 5 years ago, while me and my wife were separated, I (alone) was involved heavily in a very effective marriage ministry I'd found online. They have an online forum, and I wrote almost daily for a year, sharing progress and failings I had with my wife. I shared, fighting change a lot, and one woman moderator was not intimidated by me in any way. She was an emotionally tough woman.
I'm mentioning her since one day I wrote "I'm not sure (my wife) trusts me ." She threw a merciful knockout punch which STUCK. She said:
"Truthfully, I don't think you even trust yourself".
She was right. I did NOT. And today, when my ex said that.......damn....I saw (see) myself still living this way.
I'm afraid I'll be successful since I think I'll sabotage it, meaning more pain.
I'm afraid I'll abandon myself, the little guy inside, if I grow up.
I'm afraid of anyone knowing me deeply, as I think I'll abandon them to keep them from hurting me (!).
I don't think I have what is needed to be MATURE. I always substituted silence for maturity....for noone knows my thoughts then. And people prefer maturity vs. manipulation. I was vewy vewy quiet on this.
I don't want to be honest and truthful.....for I insist on being validated by someone else--as I don't trust myself most of the time. I fear......failing once again.
And concerning women, I fear.......I'll fail. ! ! ! !
Growing up, I thought I could make my mom's life better, that I could make her happy. Her commitment to drinking did not allow any of this. I just felt like.....I'd failed. Like I couldn't earn her trust, her love, her adoration. Like......I'd just fail and always would. That I was a failure. I'd failed to secure her love, her good mood, and anything I really wanted or needed. I simply.....failed. I couldn't get her to love me.
That's heavy s***. I carry this huge, heavy, HIDDEN FEAR everywhere I go.
I'm holding back tears, but **** it, some are coming now. Been listening to my loop while writing.
EDIT: I still fear manipulating and lying to earn, or failing to earn, love. That was my norm growing up. The fear of failure, that regular occurence growing up, has sat with me. It's kept me......from even trying.
Here goes. I haven't had this planned out, but I've been desiring to return to the world I used to have with my daughter. I felt as young as she did, and I felt immune from the fear of failing. I imagined I was young, free, and safe to explore.
I've reached out to my daughter a few times this week on IG, but she never replies.
I began feeling angry tonight, I sent her a message, no reply, so in 15 minutes I texted my ex-wife (who I have a lot of hate towards). I asked if our daughter was around, saying (whining really) that she never replies back. My b**** ex said "maybe she's got trust issues. Maybe her therapist tells her to avoid.....(she didn't put my name).
I was ready to fight her since she is a 100% defender of her daughter, even if she shot someone. She's an ignorant parent. Very smart, but very ignorant of the family dynamics going on, that she creates.
I didn't want to talk about my ex. It's what she said that stuck with me. She said "maybe she doesn't trust you."
I am sitting here, in flashback mode. Around 5 years ago, while me and my wife were separated, I (alone) was involved heavily in a very effective marriage ministry I'd found online. They have an online forum, and I wrote almost daily for a year, sharing progress and failings I had with my wife. I shared, fighting change a lot, and one woman moderator was not intimidated by me in any way. She was an emotionally tough woman.
I'm mentioning her since one day I wrote "I'm not sure (my wife) trusts me ." She threw a merciful knockout punch which STUCK. She said:
"Truthfully, I don't think you even trust yourself".
She was right. I did NOT. And today, when my ex said that.......damn....I saw (see) myself still living this way.
I'm afraid I'll be successful since I think I'll sabotage it, meaning more pain.
I'm afraid I'll abandon myself, the little guy inside, if I grow up.
I'm afraid of anyone knowing me deeply, as I think I'll abandon them to keep them from hurting me (!).
I don't think I have what is needed to be MATURE. I always substituted silence for maturity....for noone knows my thoughts then. And people prefer maturity vs. manipulation. I was vewy vewy quiet on this.
I don't want to be honest and truthful.....for I insist on being validated by someone else--as I don't trust myself most of the time. I fear......failing once again.
And concerning women, I fear.......I'll fail. ! ! ! !
Growing up, I thought I could make my mom's life better, that I could make her happy. Her commitment to drinking did not allow any of this. I just felt like.....I'd failed. Like I couldn't earn her trust, her love, her adoration. Like......I'd just fail and always would. That I was a failure. I'd failed to secure her love, her good mood, and anything I really wanted or needed. I simply.....failed. I couldn't get her to love me.
That's heavy s***. I carry this huge, heavy, HIDDEN FEAR everywhere I go.
I'm holding back tears, but **** it, some are coming now. Been listening to my loop while writing.
EDIT: I still fear manipulating and lying to earn, or failing to earn, love. That was my norm growing up. The fear of failure, that regular occurence growing up, has sat with me. It's kept me......from even trying.
I want to be FREE!
