05-13-2018, 05:27 AM
I just began writing a reply in a guy's journal here. I chose him since he didn't sound like he knew what he was doing. He sounded vulnerable, actually. My reply took almost 10 minutes to write, and I edited it/critiqued it endlessly. I didn't post it and went to the bathroom.
I realized something. My expectations, though they were there while writing, grew while taking a break. They became clear to me. They were the same feelings I had with my brother growing up. My brother was weak and vulnerable, and he hid it constantly with anger and bragging. Still, I expected him to lead me. But 10 minutes ago, my anger grew slowly, saying "are you paying attention to ME?!!! I HAVE NEEDS TOO!!" And I'd never written this guy either ("people who don't know me can't hurt me" thinking there). Those irrational "out of place" reactions have led me to stifle myself and even alienate myself before I destroy a relationship (or my reputation). Truthfully, I alienated myself many times when reacting like this, knowing it was out of place.
This is my truth, it's also why I'm on DMSI, the flagship for healing subs. I was listening to DMSI while writing the first reply. I am extremely grateful it's hitting my core, as I wasn't sure it would. I've been holding this back for decades.
I never posted the reply.
I realized something. My expectations, though they were there while writing, grew while taking a break. They became clear to me. They were the same feelings I had with my brother growing up. My brother was weak and vulnerable, and he hid it constantly with anger and bragging. Still, I expected him to lead me. But 10 minutes ago, my anger grew slowly, saying "are you paying attention to ME?!!! I HAVE NEEDS TOO!!" And I'd never written this guy either ("people who don't know me can't hurt me" thinking there). Those irrational "out of place" reactions have led me to stifle myself and even alienate myself before I destroy a relationship (or my reputation). Truthfully, I alienated myself many times when reacting like this, knowing it was out of place.
This is my truth, it's also why I'm on DMSI, the flagship for healing subs. I was listening to DMSI while writing the first reply. I am extremely grateful it's hitting my core, as I wasn't sure it would. I've been holding this back for decades.
I never posted the reply.
I want to be FREE!
