05-12-2018, 09:03 AM
I'm still going through a lot of stuff right now. I thought I had it all figured out for a bit, but then I realized I don't know anymore. I don't necessarily want to go through all this emotional turmoil in order to get better, but my mind is going to do what it's going to do. If I interfere with that too much I'll never heal properly. I don't know how my mind works, I think I do. This illusion of control I convince myself I have. Things like being independent and not needing anyone really being a cover up for a fear of rejection. I think it's good to be independent and love yourself, but it has to be real. It can't be coming from a place of avoidance. There's being alone out of choice and being alone out of avoidance and convincing yourself it was a choice. The false guise of somehow transcending an issue, but it really just escapes into the background from your conscious as a defense mechanism.
Along with the subs I met this sort of guidance/life coach sort of person. And I've been meeting up with her to sort of keep myself on track. But I'm beginning to get irritated with how simple she makes everything out to be. I'm going to talk to her about it in the next session and if she doesn't want to see eye to eye and keeps being pushy I'm going to stop going. A side rant, there are people in this world that don't get it. You mention anxiety or depression or a lifelong struggle with something like avoidance and they draw from their own experiences. Minor crap like having a bit of a racing heart near someone they like, finding themselves at a loss of words or being a little more quiet at a party, or being nervous for a job interview. That's normal shit, everyone goes through that. I find it insulting when people frame your issues as that minor shit that can easily overcome just by telling yourself you're confident and visualizing it. It's a giant slap in the face. Among the people who suffer the most in this world I've noticed most of them are highly introspective and understanding of their issues, so it troubles me when people give lectures as if they were a naiive child and if only they "opened their eyes" or "tried harder" they'd leave behind their petty issues. Ironically my fear of being rejected seems to cause me to instinctively attempt to make myself look better than I actually am during these sessions. But I'm not doing that anymore, I've got stuff I need to work on and if all I feel is pressure to improve for the sake of looking like I'm improving that's pointless and not real inner change.
Putting it bluntly. If someone offering advice and either A.) Isn't going through the same stuff or understands how complex and deep these problems go and how isolating it can be or B.) Isn't willing to put aside their incredibly myopic viewpoints to understand that not everything is easily solved as they assume, I genuinely don't want to hear anything that comes out of their mouth.
That being said I've been racking my brain trying to figure out why I'm so exhausted when the weekend hits. And I realized it's because I have to wind myself up to get through the week. All that energy spent and I just need the weekend to recover. My life is really messy at the moment. I'm not where I want to be right now, but I'm pushing forward. What I don't need anymore in my life is the pressure of appearing ok and pretending I'm fine. Typing all this out it seems like the deeper I get into healing stuff the more my knee jerk reaction seems to pull back and go "nah you're fine, you're overthinking this" and burying it all again. Again going back to that fear of rejection. It's like what if I am sad, upset, not doing to well? Shouldn't that be ok to feel instead of feeling the need to hide it? You can see it in most of my posts, the back and forth swing. The black and white of either being 100% completely fine meaning acceptance as a person and fitting in vs having theses issues meaning undesirable as a human being. Also the obsession with DMSI in general and this desire to use a strong sexy confident persona as a way to gain acceptance vs being myself. I'm not saying to abandon self improvement but there's a cutoff where you stop improving yourself and just start crossing over into some idealized bulletproof fantasy version of yourself. Using that as a buffer between you and the world out there, but by doing so you don't get the full experience of actually living as a human being.
From this point on my posts are going to be a lot more uncensored meaning there's probably going to be some depressing stuff popping up here and there and destructive thinking. I'll be doing my best to catch it all. But like I said I'm a complex person and my issues run deep. Untangling this ball of string is going to send me zig zagging all over the place.
Along with the subs I met this sort of guidance/life coach sort of person. And I've been meeting up with her to sort of keep myself on track. But I'm beginning to get irritated with how simple she makes everything out to be. I'm going to talk to her about it in the next session and if she doesn't want to see eye to eye and keeps being pushy I'm going to stop going. A side rant, there are people in this world that don't get it. You mention anxiety or depression or a lifelong struggle with something like avoidance and they draw from their own experiences. Minor crap like having a bit of a racing heart near someone they like, finding themselves at a loss of words or being a little more quiet at a party, or being nervous for a job interview. That's normal shit, everyone goes through that. I find it insulting when people frame your issues as that minor shit that can easily overcome just by telling yourself you're confident and visualizing it. It's a giant slap in the face. Among the people who suffer the most in this world I've noticed most of them are highly introspective and understanding of their issues, so it troubles me when people give lectures as if they were a naiive child and if only they "opened their eyes" or "tried harder" they'd leave behind their petty issues. Ironically my fear of being rejected seems to cause me to instinctively attempt to make myself look better than I actually am during these sessions. But I'm not doing that anymore, I've got stuff I need to work on and if all I feel is pressure to improve for the sake of looking like I'm improving that's pointless and not real inner change.
Putting it bluntly. If someone offering advice and either A.) Isn't going through the same stuff or understands how complex and deep these problems go and how isolating it can be or B.) Isn't willing to put aside their incredibly myopic viewpoints to understand that not everything is easily solved as they assume, I genuinely don't want to hear anything that comes out of their mouth.
That being said I've been racking my brain trying to figure out why I'm so exhausted when the weekend hits. And I realized it's because I have to wind myself up to get through the week. All that energy spent and I just need the weekend to recover. My life is really messy at the moment. I'm not where I want to be right now, but I'm pushing forward. What I don't need anymore in my life is the pressure of appearing ok and pretending I'm fine. Typing all this out it seems like the deeper I get into healing stuff the more my knee jerk reaction seems to pull back and go "nah you're fine, you're overthinking this" and burying it all again. Again going back to that fear of rejection. It's like what if I am sad, upset, not doing to well? Shouldn't that be ok to feel instead of feeling the need to hide it? You can see it in most of my posts, the back and forth swing. The black and white of either being 100% completely fine meaning acceptance as a person and fitting in vs having theses issues meaning undesirable as a human being. Also the obsession with DMSI in general and this desire to use a strong sexy confident persona as a way to gain acceptance vs being myself. I'm not saying to abandon self improvement but there's a cutoff where you stop improving yourself and just start crossing over into some idealized bulletproof fantasy version of yourself. Using that as a buffer between you and the world out there, but by doing so you don't get the full experience of actually living as a human being.
From this point on my posts are going to be a lot more uncensored meaning there's probably going to be some depressing stuff popping up here and there and destructive thinking. I'll be doing my best to catch it all. But like I said I'm a complex person and my issues run deep. Untangling this ball of string is going to send me zig zagging all over the place.
INFP
