05-09-2018, 03:36 PM
Old beliefs are falling away. Certain ones that no longer serve me. I'm redefining the "rules" of this world. One in particular is basing self worth on how much hard work one does. I believe in hard work, but I believe in hard work that's in alignment with your values and your goals. Not hard work that's a cover up for shame or fear of what you'll come across as if you aren't a good little worker bee.
When my self worth was extremely low and I felt I lacked any sort of competence I'd be constantly anxious. I'd worry about being good at a job and I'd burn myself out as a way to prove to myself that I was a competent person by pleasing others. The "above and beyond" guy that dropped everything and viewed himself as a slave that needed to prove himself. So many times I did this. I was a slave, slave to this fear of what will others think of me if I screw this up or I'm not good at this? But I'm not doing that anymore. And it's ridiculous to think looking back how much I was afraid of people's negative evaluations of me. Part of that is because people's evaluations of me WAS how I viewed myself, I had no voice. Whatever people told me, I accepted without question because I had such a non-existent opinion of myself. I was a shell of a person. I felt I was so worthless, dumb, and incapable that my own attempts at being nicer to myself were brushed off as being egotistical and narcissistic.
I can feel myself executing the script a lot more lately. I'm consciously choosing to follow the instructions. I'd get this agitated feeling in my chest and it hit me today that this was resistance not emotional pain that needed healing. This was my own mind saying no and fighting the sub. I don't know how to describe it but it's like the instructions from the sub manifest themselves as this feeling in my stomach and if I concentrate on listening to that feeling I get this connection where I stop resisting and it feels like all parts of me are working together. My biggest mistake was feeling that sensation in my stomach and trying to "let it go" under the mistaken assumption it was some form of emotional blockage or pain that needed to be released. Interestingly enough I think the more introspective one is, the higher probability of completely screwing up the results of DMSI.
When my self worth was extremely low and I felt I lacked any sort of competence I'd be constantly anxious. I'd worry about being good at a job and I'd burn myself out as a way to prove to myself that I was a competent person by pleasing others. The "above and beyond" guy that dropped everything and viewed himself as a slave that needed to prove himself. So many times I did this. I was a slave, slave to this fear of what will others think of me if I screw this up or I'm not good at this? But I'm not doing that anymore. And it's ridiculous to think looking back how much I was afraid of people's negative evaluations of me. Part of that is because people's evaluations of me WAS how I viewed myself, I had no voice. Whatever people told me, I accepted without question because I had such a non-existent opinion of myself. I was a shell of a person. I felt I was so worthless, dumb, and incapable that my own attempts at being nicer to myself were brushed off as being egotistical and narcissistic.
I can feel myself executing the script a lot more lately. I'm consciously choosing to follow the instructions. I'd get this agitated feeling in my chest and it hit me today that this was resistance not emotional pain that needed healing. This was my own mind saying no and fighting the sub. I don't know how to describe it but it's like the instructions from the sub manifest themselves as this feeling in my stomach and if I concentrate on listening to that feeling I get this connection where I stop resisting and it feels like all parts of me are working together. My biggest mistake was feeling that sensation in my stomach and trying to "let it go" under the mistaken assumption it was some form of emotional blockage or pain that needed to be released. Interestingly enough I think the more introspective one is, the higher probability of completely screwing up the results of DMSI.
INFP
