05-06-2018, 01:39 PM
I've replied to a few posts I could relate with today. I cancelled on visiting my mom today since I feel used emotionally when I'm there. I intended and succeeded in doing something for me, meaning I am giving myself attention. Writing here is my outlet today.
I have been lying to myself today, and I'm seeing it though I'm not on any IML subs (TID?). I've been hiding my pain from myself.
I'm mad and hurt since my 13 year old daughter hasn't replied to any text, call, Instagram post, or FB post in 3 weeks. This has been hurting me. I was thinking of this Friday night, and I realized I've expected her to help me fulfill my fatherly duties of allowing me to love her. Without that, I see myself as "failing" as a father. In truth, I feel rejected. This is so f***ed up since I'm supposed to be independent, self reliant, and supposedly seen as needed by her. S***, she blew that one away. I call, throw out a prompt to a short conversation, and she ignores me. I'm sick of seeking her out.
But..........what I'm hurting about is my LACK of self-love. I tend to feel empty without other's involvement in my life. I am an introvert, but introverts gain energy by having time with one or a few close people. Extroverts are energized by throngs of people.
I realized this when I'd responded to 2 or 3 people today, but my replies (to me) were saying "NOTICE ME!! I am LONELY!"
Admission: I thought (as I'd seen this growing up) that I couldn't help MYSELF. That I, of all people, was powerless to love myself. I am not kidding. I witnessed my mom time and time again weeping since she was drinking, people had steered clear of her, and she was left very, very lonely. I thought "one NEEDS other people to be loved." She played helpless and did it time and time again. I never saw her loving herself or doing good things to and for herself. Today, nothing's different.
The trouble, the real trouble with this "helpless" thinking, is that it can lead me to manipulate and lie to myself and others to receive some bits of love. I've considered contacting my ex to prompt my daughter to contact me, but that's not coming from my daughter's desire to contact me. It's coming out of my ex's need to "look like you're a good parent", which is light years away from loving guidance. My ex is a very ill emotionally. And my daughter, a smart girl, sees that, but follows it since she has no other models.
I'm very serious. I am unsure if one can love themselves adequately when others are not around. And a thought I battle is "you're not allowed to do that".
Thank *** DMSI is stronger than E2. E2 helped me feel loved and adequate after it unearthed a root, and I've heard healing times are pretty quick on DMSI. Only 5 more days.
I have been lying to myself today, and I'm seeing it though I'm not on any IML subs (TID?). I've been hiding my pain from myself.
I'm mad and hurt since my 13 year old daughter hasn't replied to any text, call, Instagram post, or FB post in 3 weeks. This has been hurting me. I was thinking of this Friday night, and I realized I've expected her to help me fulfill my fatherly duties of allowing me to love her. Without that, I see myself as "failing" as a father. In truth, I feel rejected. This is so f***ed up since I'm supposed to be independent, self reliant, and supposedly seen as needed by her. S***, she blew that one away. I call, throw out a prompt to a short conversation, and she ignores me. I'm sick of seeking her out.
But..........what I'm hurting about is my LACK of self-love. I tend to feel empty without other's involvement in my life. I am an introvert, but introverts gain energy by having time with one or a few close people. Extroverts are energized by throngs of people.
I realized this when I'd responded to 2 or 3 people today, but my replies (to me) were saying "NOTICE ME!! I am LONELY!"
Admission: I thought (as I'd seen this growing up) that I couldn't help MYSELF. That I, of all people, was powerless to love myself. I am not kidding. I witnessed my mom time and time again weeping since she was drinking, people had steered clear of her, and she was left very, very lonely. I thought "one NEEDS other people to be loved." She played helpless and did it time and time again. I never saw her loving herself or doing good things to and for herself. Today, nothing's different.
The trouble, the real trouble with this "helpless" thinking, is that it can lead me to manipulate and lie to myself and others to receive some bits of love. I've considered contacting my ex to prompt my daughter to contact me, but that's not coming from my daughter's desire to contact me. It's coming out of my ex's need to "look like you're a good parent", which is light years away from loving guidance. My ex is a very ill emotionally. And my daughter, a smart girl, sees that, but follows it since she has no other models.
I'm very serious. I am unsure if one can love themselves adequately when others are not around. And a thought I battle is "you're not allowed to do that".
Thank *** DMSI is stronger than E2. E2 helped me feel loved and adequate after it unearthed a root, and I've heard healing times are pretty quick on DMSI. Only 5 more days.
I want to be FREE!
