05-03-2018, 12:42 AM
Thanks Voytek. I'd been thinking of this knowing I'd not communicated it in this thread.
The short story (kind of): I was raised without a father and my mom has always been an active alcoholic. She re-married once shortly (to a coc addict), had my sister, but she never dated or married anyone after that. I grew up thinking I could make her happy, and that affected me more obviously in my teens. No sexual incest, but emotional incest.
I felt powerless growing up, and I still have that "I want to save you Mom" thinking......right along with "I'll fail anyway." I was married for 10 years, have been divorced 4 years now, and I, too, have not dated anyone. I'm still tied emotionally to my mom. Agggggg.... Shame and helplessness are tied there.
For DMSI directly, I'm hoping I'll be able to break through/grieve through it (Universal Detox got me into some of my inner truths, and grieving is something I had NOT done. I did a bit while using UD)
What I'm hoping it'll touch is my brother related issues as well. I was without a father, but my middle brother was my rock. As we got into our teens, he changed, as he NEEDED to feel like a man. Drugs, skipping school, stealing, etc., became his life.
I was hit since.......he raped me one day in a fit of rage. My mom walked in, he stopped, and he left. I've felt the pain of his leaving much, much heavier than the rape, me blaming myself a lot. My mind's blocked the specific memory of it, but I lost the only one I turned to. And it was just me home now to "rescue" mom. F***ed up thinking there; such is abuse :-(
If I wanted one thing healed, I would say abandonment. That is the base of my pain .
When I finished E2 (my first run) last year, I considered AM6. I was scared of DMSI, me being in church a lot. I asked "AM6 or DMSI?" Shannon advised DMSI since AM6 uses E1 technology. I've looked at AM6 again......... but want and need to heal. I have some fear. For I've held this in a very long time, and I'm unsure when I'll stop crying. But I'm looking at DMSI for this healing.
The short story (kind of): I was raised without a father and my mom has always been an active alcoholic. She re-married once shortly (to a coc addict), had my sister, but she never dated or married anyone after that. I grew up thinking I could make her happy, and that affected me more obviously in my teens. No sexual incest, but emotional incest.
I felt powerless growing up, and I still have that "I want to save you Mom" thinking......right along with "I'll fail anyway." I was married for 10 years, have been divorced 4 years now, and I, too, have not dated anyone. I'm still tied emotionally to my mom. Agggggg.... Shame and helplessness are tied there.
For DMSI directly, I'm hoping I'll be able to break through/grieve through it (Universal Detox got me into some of my inner truths, and grieving is something I had NOT done. I did a bit while using UD)
What I'm hoping it'll touch is my brother related issues as well. I was without a father, but my middle brother was my rock. As we got into our teens, he changed, as he NEEDED to feel like a man. Drugs, skipping school, stealing, etc., became his life.
I was hit since.......he raped me one day in a fit of rage. My mom walked in, he stopped, and he left. I've felt the pain of his leaving much, much heavier than the rape, me blaming myself a lot. My mind's blocked the specific memory of it, but I lost the only one I turned to. And it was just me home now to "rescue" mom. F***ed up thinking there; such is abuse :-(
If I wanted one thing healed, I would say abandonment. That is the base of my pain .
When I finished E2 (my first run) last year, I considered AM6. I was scared of DMSI, me being in church a lot. I asked "AM6 or DMSI?" Shannon advised DMSI since AM6 uses E1 technology. I've looked at AM6 again......... but want and need to heal. I have some fear. For I've held this in a very long time, and I'm unsure when I'll stop crying. But I'm looking at DMSI for this healing.
I want to be FREE!
