05-02-2018, 05:05 PM
Feels like every post I make I try to get the right answer. That black and white thinking again. After giving it a lot of thought I realized that there probably are self worth issues, there are probably a bunch of issues I still need to overcome. The reason being that throughout my entire life I've stuffed it all down. I thought being mature and being an adult was disregarding what I felt and just powering through everything. Doing all the stuff I thought I was supposed to do to be a functional person in society. I realize now I've gotten really good at coping, but the foundation is incredibly shaky.
And adding to that, fear. So often I fought fear just so I didn't consider myself weak. It hit me today that all my attempts to improve myself were done from the mindset of "being good enough". I never really encouraged myself to move beyond my fears or be strong just for myself vs being someone that was competent.
It's all been coming to the surface lately. Every single emotion I refused to acknowledge throughout my life. I never took the time to understand and validate these feelings. I was always trying to beat them or overcome them, as if they were some separate entity or unwanted invader. But they always came from a part of myself and by saying no to them all the time I was denying a hurt part of myself.
For a long time I thought I had become great at emotional regulation. I'd be the watcher, let my thoughts and emotions pass, etc. all that stuff you read about with mindfulness. I've learned I wasn't mindful. I created a dissociated state which distanced myself from accessing how I really felt. I've been slowly coming to the realization that this is what I have to actually unlearn. That dissociating and running/denying. I guess when I was younger I was in so much pain my only coping mechanism was to just blur out everything and then I convinced myself it was somehow spiritual enlightenment to further hide the damage I felt inside. Even now with DMSI A I had moments in this journal where I convinced myself I've figured out how to bypass those "negative emotions". It seems like I'd do anything and everything to keep that wall or divide up between my conscious and subconscious. It's only now I'm starting to tear it down and the flood of repressed emotions are hitting me harder than I ever expected.
I think in western society at least we don't go deep enough. Everyone talks about being positive, but at the expense of not being real enough to get to the core of what really ails us. There's so much pressure to keep up appearances, people become blinded to how they really feel. I'm starting to think there isn't really a "being negative". Every so called negative thing has a perfectly good reason behind it and a person that might be hurting from it that needs healing. The more we label something as negative, the further it gets pushed away from conscious awareness and the less likely we'll move on from it due to things like shame. If I've learned one thing about all this healing it's that some part of you might be ready to let it go, but another might not be and it's better not to delude yourself into believing you've moved on when you haven't.
And adding to that, fear. So often I fought fear just so I didn't consider myself weak. It hit me today that all my attempts to improve myself were done from the mindset of "being good enough". I never really encouraged myself to move beyond my fears or be strong just for myself vs being someone that was competent.
It's all been coming to the surface lately. Every single emotion I refused to acknowledge throughout my life. I never took the time to understand and validate these feelings. I was always trying to beat them or overcome them, as if they were some separate entity or unwanted invader. But they always came from a part of myself and by saying no to them all the time I was denying a hurt part of myself.
For a long time I thought I had become great at emotional regulation. I'd be the watcher, let my thoughts and emotions pass, etc. all that stuff you read about with mindfulness. I've learned I wasn't mindful. I created a dissociated state which distanced myself from accessing how I really felt. I've been slowly coming to the realization that this is what I have to actually unlearn. That dissociating and running/denying. I guess when I was younger I was in so much pain my only coping mechanism was to just blur out everything and then I convinced myself it was somehow spiritual enlightenment to further hide the damage I felt inside. Even now with DMSI A I had moments in this journal where I convinced myself I've figured out how to bypass those "negative emotions". It seems like I'd do anything and everything to keep that wall or divide up between my conscious and subconscious. It's only now I'm starting to tear it down and the flood of repressed emotions are hitting me harder than I ever expected.
I think in western society at least we don't go deep enough. Everyone talks about being positive, but at the expense of not being real enough to get to the core of what really ails us. There's so much pressure to keep up appearances, people become blinded to how they really feel. I'm starting to think there isn't really a "being negative". Every so called negative thing has a perfectly good reason behind it and a person that might be hurting from it that needs healing. The more we label something as negative, the further it gets pushed away from conscious awareness and the less likely we'll move on from it due to things like shame. If I've learned one thing about all this healing it's that some part of you might be ready to let it go, but another might not be and it's better not to delude yourself into believing you've moved on when you haven't.
INFP
