05-01-2018, 03:45 PM
Man what a rough day yesterday. Had a MASSIVE headache. Coincidence? The day before I happen to decide to no longer give in to the familiar resistance tactics and really push for change. I'm rewarded with a massive headache. So I'm sitting there at work trying to get my work done. I'm wavering between losing consciousness and fighting off this pounding headache. I say enough is enough and really start pushing myself consciously to execute. I get really hot, I feel incredibly panicked, and I have some serious nausea. It gets to the point where the heat turns into this cold sweat and I get really lightheaded like I'm about to pass out. Later on in the day I do throw up. But I'm convinced that's mostly due to the headache.
I know it's all fear. Today I thought about stuff like perfectionism and how I need to go easier on myself, found myself coming home and being content with watching a tv show and telling myself it's ok if I didn't get to the music. But in the back of my head I was like, this isn't right, something's wrong. My mind was using perfectionism as an excuse not to continue to work on my music.
I do struggle with perfectionism, but it's really just a fear of not being good enough at whatever I do so I avoid it. The solution to perfectionism isn't to go easier on myself, it's to just remove those fears. Fear of failure, fear of not being good enough, fear of making mistakes, etc. that's at the root of perfectionism. It's not really about perfection at all, that would imply focus on the details. Nope it's all based around avoidance. Nobody ever got anywhere by coming up to an obstacle and avoiding tackling it head on. I frequently delude myself into believing that I need to rest or take it easy when the correct action is to push harder against the fear and not let it cause me to avoid moving forward.
That being said my perceived self worth issues, fear. Fear of accepting anything different. Of loving myself and standing out. I'm convinced my self worth issues have been healed and now what's holding me back is a refusal to move into the fear of the unknown.
And the tales that fear makes me spin in my head. Goddamn, it's like listening to a really charismatic person on the street that pickpockets your wallet. Except the wallet is your ambitions and goals. I can't tell you the amount of times I've mistaken this fear for my gut intuition or a "true desire". Listening to it and having it derail me. Such is the case with the obsessive focus on healing perceived emotional damage that might not even exist there, it's only a creation of fear to keep me in that familiarity and prevent me from moving forward.
I was listening to a podcast the other day with a music producer and he says going after what you really want and leaving security behind, we're not conditioned to do that in society. And he's so right. The world is so massive, so huge, so many opportunities. But people grow up in these little bubbles and convince themselves they know what reality is. I think your environment plays a huge role in that. My parents would always tell me I could be or do anything I wanted. But then I'd see them fight, worry over money, stressed out, drained. etc. It didn't send a very good impression to my young mind. And I think despite all their positivity towards me, I picked up on the non-verbal cues of what life was really like for them and instilled that within myself. I was a really perceptive sensitive kid, so I'm pretty sure this ties into the fear I now experience in my day to day life.
Phew, that was a lot to unload from my mind. In summary, fear makes compelling arguments. But it's important not to fall into those traps. Easier said than done though.
I know it's all fear. Today I thought about stuff like perfectionism and how I need to go easier on myself, found myself coming home and being content with watching a tv show and telling myself it's ok if I didn't get to the music. But in the back of my head I was like, this isn't right, something's wrong. My mind was using perfectionism as an excuse not to continue to work on my music.
I do struggle with perfectionism, but it's really just a fear of not being good enough at whatever I do so I avoid it. The solution to perfectionism isn't to go easier on myself, it's to just remove those fears. Fear of failure, fear of not being good enough, fear of making mistakes, etc. that's at the root of perfectionism. It's not really about perfection at all, that would imply focus on the details. Nope it's all based around avoidance. Nobody ever got anywhere by coming up to an obstacle and avoiding tackling it head on. I frequently delude myself into believing that I need to rest or take it easy when the correct action is to push harder against the fear and not let it cause me to avoid moving forward.
That being said my perceived self worth issues, fear. Fear of accepting anything different. Of loving myself and standing out. I'm convinced my self worth issues have been healed and now what's holding me back is a refusal to move into the fear of the unknown.
And the tales that fear makes me spin in my head. Goddamn, it's like listening to a really charismatic person on the street that pickpockets your wallet. Except the wallet is your ambitions and goals. I can't tell you the amount of times I've mistaken this fear for my gut intuition or a "true desire". Listening to it and having it derail me. Such is the case with the obsessive focus on healing perceived emotional damage that might not even exist there, it's only a creation of fear to keep me in that familiarity and prevent me from moving forward.
I was listening to a podcast the other day with a music producer and he says going after what you really want and leaving security behind, we're not conditioned to do that in society. And he's so right. The world is so massive, so huge, so many opportunities. But people grow up in these little bubbles and convince themselves they know what reality is. I think your environment plays a huge role in that. My parents would always tell me I could be or do anything I wanted. But then I'd see them fight, worry over money, stressed out, drained. etc. It didn't send a very good impression to my young mind. And I think despite all their positivity towards me, I picked up on the non-verbal cues of what life was really like for them and instilled that within myself. I was a really perceptive sensitive kid, so I'm pretty sure this ties into the fear I now experience in my day to day life.
Phew, that was a lot to unload from my mind. In summary, fear makes compelling arguments. But it's important not to fall into those traps. Easier said than done though.
INFP
