DMSI update: I'd planned on starting DMSI next Friday, but the boss cancelled our normal Saturday work shift due to some mishap. That would have been the extra I needed to pick up DMSI next week. I'll have to start in 2 weeks since I have some bills due this coming week. I'll also note it in my title when I start.
ION: While waking up this morning, still dreamy, I remembered a guy in my 12-step rooms about 5 years back. I respected this guy so much that I felt awkward hugging his very innocent and trusting girlfriend. I resumed E2 last night after seeing it'd be another week for DMSI, and I realized I'd blocked him out of my mind, like so many others.
I've known this, and forgot it. I do this . . . whenever I feel very overwhelmed. Whenever I fear getting hurt or hurting others. We used to talk on the phone in the mornings when it was relaxed. He never scared me directly or even accidentally. He is 10-15 years my senior, so I felt safe talking to him. A note here is he wasn't one who went deep into himself seeking answers to problems. He looked at real life, and he learned constantly.
I blocked him out since while feeling safe around him, my walls began dropping. I'd feel young, like 13 or so. I remember trying to control my feelings and memories since so many pointed back....to my brother leaving me at that age. Self blame was all I had, I knew its pain, so I accepted it without questioning. It felt familiar. Predictable. Known. But painful as all heck. So much that I wanted to retaliate (fight back) on innocent or unknowing people. All this pain was pointed at me, but since my vision was on getting it out of ME, I greatly feared hurting him or his innocent girlfriend. I wanted their simple life, simple outlook, and determination to overcome the daily struggles together as a willing couple (I was separated from my wife at the time). I ousted myself from the relationship since I thought my thoughts and emotions were bad. The safe thing to do (I thought) was run away. I felt shame imagining that, greatly so. But the imagined pain of hurting them was greater.........so I retreated. I've done that my whole life. Well, as much as I've held my pain inside.....absolutely.
Wow.
ION: While waking up this morning, still dreamy, I remembered a guy in my 12-step rooms about 5 years back. I respected this guy so much that I felt awkward hugging his very innocent and trusting girlfriend. I resumed E2 last night after seeing it'd be another week for DMSI, and I realized I'd blocked him out of my mind, like so many others.
I've known this, and forgot it. I do this . . . whenever I feel very overwhelmed. Whenever I fear getting hurt or hurting others. We used to talk on the phone in the mornings when it was relaxed. He never scared me directly or even accidentally. He is 10-15 years my senior, so I felt safe talking to him. A note here is he wasn't one who went deep into himself seeking answers to problems. He looked at real life, and he learned constantly.
I blocked him out since while feeling safe around him, my walls began dropping. I'd feel young, like 13 or so. I remember trying to control my feelings and memories since so many pointed back....to my brother leaving me at that age. Self blame was all I had, I knew its pain, so I accepted it without questioning. It felt familiar. Predictable. Known. But painful as all heck. So much that I wanted to retaliate (fight back) on innocent or unknowing people. All this pain was pointed at me, but since my vision was on getting it out of ME, I greatly feared hurting him or his innocent girlfriend. I wanted their simple life, simple outlook, and determination to overcome the daily struggles together as a willing couple (I was separated from my wife at the time). I ousted myself from the relationship since I thought my thoughts and emotions were bad. The safe thing to do (I thought) was run away. I felt shame imagining that, greatly so. But the imagined pain of hurting them was greater.........so I retreated. I've done that my whole life. Well, as much as I've held my pain inside.....absolutely.
Wow.
I want to be FREE!
