04-27-2018, 03:23 PM
This healing is hitting me hard. I was on tinder today and found myself being overly judgemental with some girls on there. This isn't a standards thing. I honestly hate my judgemental side. Every weakness, flaw, insecurity, that I see in people reflects my own disposition to mine and I become incredibly judgemental. I cannot stop it, it's such a knee jerk reaction. I don't want to be this way. Some people don't care, they openly judge, mock, and criticize others without a care in the world. Even though I'm painfully aware of it, I do the same, I just don't open my mouth. The difference is I don't want this, I want to be a better person. I want to stop being so goddamn superficial when it comes to human beings in general. Everything has to be perfect in my eyes otherwise it feels worthless.
I've tried for years and years to be a good person. Seeing the best in people. But there's such a nasty judgemental side to me that can be outright disgusted with people if it triggers my own insecurities. People think I'm such a kind person, but I'm really selfish and judgemental. There's a darkness in me that I just cover up day to day.
Truth be told I have trouble accepting love from anyone. I hear the words and their actions towards me but I feel numb to it. It doesn't feel real, it doesn't feel like I've done anything to deserve it. It feels a bit like looking up at the sky and trying to convince yourself it's green. And yeah it fucking hurts living like that. Life just becomes this journey where you're doing your best to stay ahead just enough to be sort of happy, but feeling like you have a giant gaping hole missing in yourself. I think I've been attempting to fill that hole with this obsession with being super successful and being someone important or famous or whatever. But it gets to the point like now where it hits me that these things aren't going to make me any happier. I have to create my own goals and dreams that I want for myself, not fill some void in me. And I think to do that I still have a lot of healing to do.
I don't know what went wrong in my life for me to be like this, but it's definitely a core problem. I need to work on this before I work on anything else in my life.
I've tried for years and years to be a good person. Seeing the best in people. But there's such a nasty judgemental side to me that can be outright disgusted with people if it triggers my own insecurities. People think I'm such a kind person, but I'm really selfish and judgemental. There's a darkness in me that I just cover up day to day.
Truth be told I have trouble accepting love from anyone. I hear the words and their actions towards me but I feel numb to it. It doesn't feel real, it doesn't feel like I've done anything to deserve it. It feels a bit like looking up at the sky and trying to convince yourself it's green. And yeah it fucking hurts living like that. Life just becomes this journey where you're doing your best to stay ahead just enough to be sort of happy, but feeling like you have a giant gaping hole missing in yourself. I think I've been attempting to fill that hole with this obsession with being super successful and being someone important or famous or whatever. But it gets to the point like now where it hits me that these things aren't going to make me any happier. I have to create my own goals and dreams that I want for myself, not fill some void in me. And I think to do that I still have a lot of healing to do.
I don't know what went wrong in my life for me to be like this, but it's definitely a core problem. I need to work on this before I work on anything else in my life.
INFP
