04-22-2018, 02:31 PM
Me: I'm mid 40's, in decent shape physically, divorced 2014, and I've not dated anyone since that time.
I just took a walk in my neighborhood after staying inside all day. I remembered really liking walking 10-20 years ago, for it fed me and balanced me mentally most times.
I'm sharing since I felt something real while walking. I've lived in this community about 15 years, as me and my ex-wife's old house is a quarter mile away. She lives in Kentucky now, but my present housing was a real gift being so close to still see my daughter, who's 13 now.
On that note, I broke every man role there was when seeing my ex, as I just did not know. I'd give her full body rubdowns with oil and everything, I'd be all aroused, but we never had sex after our 3 year separation. I honestly, though weakly, expected her to initiate sex. I'm reading John Alexander's "How To Become an Alpha Male", and I had no idea. No idea at all. I know now, and I will decide better next time. I'm embarrassed to admit that. This is what happened. It's my history.
Which brings me closer to sharing what I actually knew while walking. I had this "little boy" identity during our last years of marriage, pre-separation. I walked by a woman's house we knew, a peer. I remember her hitting on me one day while she and I were alone outside. She inserted the "MILF" word, I realized where she was going...........but no. She has a frame and personality similar to my ex's, and I realized (while walking today) that I already had one woman angry with me non-stop. Why would I want 2? I realized I felt hostage to the f***ed up relationship I was in, and out of submissiveness to that, I declined the woman's offer.
And I began my last paragraph saying I had a "little boy" identity. I held to that. That used to be my place of safety, no responsibility, and peace (since I took as little responsibility as possible in my marriage). I'd been raised by a controlling woman, and I expected my wife to do just the same. F***ed up for adult males. That's why me hiding in immaturity was ....... (ugg) safer.
I have no idea how many tendrils that has hooked on to me. I was looking at AM for a number of months, and for personal, professional, and sexual reasons, I began digging into it--me thinking "only some guys do AM, those who are worthy". No s***. I thought I'd just have to play a part.
But upon reading AM experiences, some ideas and beliefs changed. I decided I would buy and use AM to help me to, essentially, grow up. Those "how to be a male" instructions were never received by me.
But I'm starting DMSI. ????? I asked Shannon if I should go on to DMSI or AM a year ago, and he advised DMSI. I was scared, terrified really, for I was still heavily in that "little boy" mentality. I hung on tightly.
I'm starting DMSI due to the advanced clearing and healing tech in it. I've done E2, UD, SE, and now LTU, and I've still got shit under my hood. UD opened my eyes the very most, as on it I realized I was "hanging on" to old shit, for decades. I wish this wasn't true, but I'm not living much differently than my mom living 15 miles away. She has no friends, only calls family, and nurses her life's conditions with alcohol. I'm younger, but I don't call people, hang out with 2 guys who ...... like being stuck too, hide with porn, fapping, and caffeine, so I'm living this pattern myself. I'm doing (what I've seen done).
So, me hanging on to old stuff is what my life's been about. Survival. Hiding misery from others. Hating on myself when taking time to be aware of it.
I just remembered something else. While walking, I had a peace and sense of responsibility. I realize NOW that's why I enjoy going to work. If I'm home alone, like I've been today, I can s*** all over myself. Like Shannon's signature says, failure is the easiest way. Not cleaning my place, eating like s***, and ignoring "life" and relationships makes me truly enjoy going to work somedays. Excuses to hide aren't allowed there, and I feel GOOD when helping myself and others on the job.
Anti-procrastination, self care (diet improvements), and extrovert training are in DMSI (I think), as people have reported this, so DMSI is looking attractive. DMSI offers some hope for improvement for many parts of life.
That's why I'm starting on DMSI. I've still got 2 weeks before beginning it.
I just took a walk in my neighborhood after staying inside all day. I remembered really liking walking 10-20 years ago, for it fed me and balanced me mentally most times.
I'm sharing since I felt something real while walking. I've lived in this community about 15 years, as me and my ex-wife's old house is a quarter mile away. She lives in Kentucky now, but my present housing was a real gift being so close to still see my daughter, who's 13 now.
On that note, I broke every man role there was when seeing my ex, as I just did not know. I'd give her full body rubdowns with oil and everything, I'd be all aroused, but we never had sex after our 3 year separation. I honestly, though weakly, expected her to initiate sex. I'm reading John Alexander's "How To Become an Alpha Male", and I had no idea. No idea at all. I know now, and I will decide better next time. I'm embarrassed to admit that. This is what happened. It's my history.
Which brings me closer to sharing what I actually knew while walking. I had this "little boy" identity during our last years of marriage, pre-separation. I walked by a woman's house we knew, a peer. I remember her hitting on me one day while she and I were alone outside. She inserted the "MILF" word, I realized where she was going...........but no. She has a frame and personality similar to my ex's, and I realized (while walking today) that I already had one woman angry with me non-stop. Why would I want 2? I realized I felt hostage to the f***ed up relationship I was in, and out of submissiveness to that, I declined the woman's offer.
And I began my last paragraph saying I had a "little boy" identity. I held to that. That used to be my place of safety, no responsibility, and peace (since I took as little responsibility as possible in my marriage). I'd been raised by a controlling woman, and I expected my wife to do just the same. F***ed up for adult males. That's why me hiding in immaturity was ....... (ugg) safer.
I have no idea how many tendrils that has hooked on to me. I was looking at AM for a number of months, and for personal, professional, and sexual reasons, I began digging into it--me thinking "only some guys do AM, those who are worthy". No s***. I thought I'd just have to play a part.
But upon reading AM experiences, some ideas and beliefs changed. I decided I would buy and use AM to help me to, essentially, grow up. Those "how to be a male" instructions were never received by me.
But I'm starting DMSI. ????? I asked Shannon if I should go on to DMSI or AM a year ago, and he advised DMSI. I was scared, terrified really, for I was still heavily in that "little boy" mentality. I hung on tightly.
I'm starting DMSI due to the advanced clearing and healing tech in it. I've done E2, UD, SE, and now LTU, and I've still got shit under my hood. UD opened my eyes the very most, as on it I realized I was "hanging on" to old shit, for decades. I wish this wasn't true, but I'm not living much differently than my mom living 15 miles away. She has no friends, only calls family, and nurses her life's conditions with alcohol. I'm younger, but I don't call people, hang out with 2 guys who ...... like being stuck too, hide with porn, fapping, and caffeine, so I'm living this pattern myself. I'm doing (what I've seen done).
So, me hanging on to old stuff is what my life's been about. Survival. Hiding misery from others. Hating on myself when taking time to be aware of it.
I just remembered something else. While walking, I had a peace and sense of responsibility. I realize NOW that's why I enjoy going to work. If I'm home alone, like I've been today, I can s*** all over myself. Like Shannon's signature says, failure is the easiest way. Not cleaning my place, eating like s***, and ignoring "life" and relationships makes me truly enjoy going to work somedays. Excuses to hide aren't allowed there, and I feel GOOD when helping myself and others on the job.
Anti-procrastination, self care (diet improvements), and extrovert training are in DMSI (I think), as people have reported this, so DMSI is looking attractive. DMSI offers some hope for improvement for many parts of life.
That's why I'm starting on DMSI. I've still got 2 weeks before beginning it.
I want to be FREE!
