04-20-2018, 03:07 PM
Feels like I'm grinding it out right now. I want to just give up and stop going after all this self improvement. But I know deep down it's what I want, even if it gets really hard at times.
Had a few moments today where I just felt like screaming. I know I'm fed up with living like this and I have to do something about it. Not this one day dreaming stuff that never comes true. I was sitting at work today and I told myself that I have to make these changes NOW. Not in the future, not when I'm feeling better, now. Because the more I put it off, the more my life slips by.
Breaking free of everything I've been taught about life in general, my own beliefs about myself, hell my own identity I've molded for myself is the hardest thing I've ever done. Part of me thinks it shouldn't be this hard, especially when I see other people running dmsi and it's this smooth progression. For me it feels like I'm going through these trials to mold myself into a better person. In life there's theory and then there's actual experience. I've learned that you can theorize all you want about how the human mind works and the best way to approach it. But it all goes tits up when it comes to practical application. You really just have to dig in and take it as it comes. I've learned that my process of growth has never been easy. I sure as hell tried to make it easier, convince myself that change being hard was just another limiting belief I could let go of, but I've found most of that just lead to me ruminating on how difficult change was instead of actually changing.
I'm getting closer. I'm getting closer to no longer looking towards others or sources of authority to define my own life. When I'm afraid I try to pacify that by looking for others who have found a way, a sort of predefined path that I feel safer going on. Even if that means the negative, anything to quell that uncertainty of the mind. But I've realized that's not how life works. Life is a journey and you have to find your own path, face those fears and be strong. One of the hardest things for me is to be myself. To have my own opinions, to be controversial, to go against the majority opinion.
Had a few moments today where I just felt like screaming. I know I'm fed up with living like this and I have to do something about it. Not this one day dreaming stuff that never comes true. I was sitting at work today and I told myself that I have to make these changes NOW. Not in the future, not when I'm feeling better, now. Because the more I put it off, the more my life slips by.
Breaking free of everything I've been taught about life in general, my own beliefs about myself, hell my own identity I've molded for myself is the hardest thing I've ever done. Part of me thinks it shouldn't be this hard, especially when I see other people running dmsi and it's this smooth progression. For me it feels like I'm going through these trials to mold myself into a better person. In life there's theory and then there's actual experience. I've learned that you can theorize all you want about how the human mind works and the best way to approach it. But it all goes tits up when it comes to practical application. You really just have to dig in and take it as it comes. I've learned that my process of growth has never been easy. I sure as hell tried to make it easier, convince myself that change being hard was just another limiting belief I could let go of, but I've found most of that just lead to me ruminating on how difficult change was instead of actually changing.
I'm getting closer. I'm getting closer to no longer looking towards others or sources of authority to define my own life. When I'm afraid I try to pacify that by looking for others who have found a way, a sort of predefined path that I feel safer going on. Even if that means the negative, anything to quell that uncertainty of the mind. But I've realized that's not how life works. Life is a journey and you have to find your own path, face those fears and be strong. One of the hardest things for me is to be myself. To have my own opinions, to be controversial, to go against the majority opinion.
INFP
