04-19-2018, 03:39 AM
Working on being more assertive and less "nice guy". While I'm not the worst I notice being excessively nice to people is my way of avoiding rejection. The consequence of this however is I'm not fully myself and I'm hesitant around people. I'm always putting others above me and I sort of fade into the background. But I have to start asking myself what's in this for me and start being a little selfish. Ironically being nice so people like me is the most selfish thing I could do. I think my nice behavior stems from people always telling me how nice I am. So basing my self worth around that which as we all know is toxic.
The tricky part with all this is not falling back into old behavior. It's one thing to have confidence alone vs out there in the real world. A lot of the time I revert to my hesitant anxious self. I have to say I hate it. I trip over words, my mind races, and what I say comes across as anything but confident. I think I get anxiety about being assertive, which causes that lapse in cognitive ability and then it's a self fulfilling prophecy from there as I get more anxious that what I'm saying is coming out really choppy and idiotic. I've never been articulate with spoken word unless I'm really comfortable around someone.
Bottom line is I'm reaching a point where I'm able to see my faults and work on them vs getting upset and "accepting" myself. And what I mean by that is having such a knee jerk offended reaction that just causes me to demonize more positive traits. Assertiveness turns into arrogance and ego vs confidence in my self and valuing myself. The easiest way for my mind to hold onto my issues is put down the ones I want to develop and have a martyr complex about the ones that currently cause me issues. I mean even back when I first ran AM I was so opposed to the idea of being alpha due to my upbringing.
The tricky part with all this is not falling back into old behavior. It's one thing to have confidence alone vs out there in the real world. A lot of the time I revert to my hesitant anxious self. I have to say I hate it. I trip over words, my mind races, and what I say comes across as anything but confident. I think I get anxiety about being assertive, which causes that lapse in cognitive ability and then it's a self fulfilling prophecy from there as I get more anxious that what I'm saying is coming out really choppy and idiotic. I've never been articulate with spoken word unless I'm really comfortable around someone.
Bottom line is I'm reaching a point where I'm able to see my faults and work on them vs getting upset and "accepting" myself. And what I mean by that is having such a knee jerk offended reaction that just causes me to demonize more positive traits. Assertiveness turns into arrogance and ego vs confidence in my self and valuing myself. The easiest way for my mind to hold onto my issues is put down the ones I want to develop and have a martyr complex about the ones that currently cause me issues. I mean even back when I first ran AM I was so opposed to the idea of being alpha due to my upbringing.
INFP
