DMSI 3.2 - B and A

[Shawn]

I mentioned yesterday that the fear isn't probably only related to women and today it got more clear. I had a meeting with a guy from another department, nothing special at all and I felt a bit uncomfortable at this meeting like often in such situations. I knew the discomfort was somehow there because I didn't want to make any mistakes. So far nothing special but after the meeting ended I was thinking about the discomfort and suddendly something shiftet. That moment I could go beyond the surface really feel what happens under the surface and what I felt wasn't only slight discomfort, it felt like agony and I noticed I was almost shaking inside. Then I asked myself why is fear of failure causing that and it was like there was a younger version of me who feared physical punishement if he makes some mistake. And it went even beyond that. It is about knowing others expectation and fulfilling them perfectly to be able to survive. This was pretty much the sentence I got into my head.

So I don't know what happened back then, I don't even know if it really happened or was just perceived as life threatening, but it seems like it put me into survival mode and the survival mode is to avoid other people so I can't make mistakes (in their eyes) and I can survive. So it doesn't surprise me anymore that I resist DMSI as it tries to do exact the opposite and put me into the spotlight. It would be great if that could be cleared out for good.