04-08-2018, 04:44 PM
(04-08-2018, 05:44 AM)findingme Wrote:(04-06-2018, 03:26 PM)mat422 Wrote: I'm all kinds of messed up at the moment. I've been trying to run from all this stuff that's been coming up with the healing. Trying to out think it and I realized it just needs to pass. I need to stop fighting it, no matter how shitty it feels I need to go through it. If I just keep putting it off I'll never actually move on from it.
So I'm not going into all of it because it would likely turn into a massive word vomit of a post. The gist of it is I'm pretty damn tired of trying all the time to get better. It just gets to the point where I think to myself, something isn't right. Like I'm trying too damn hard just to stay afloat. To keep up appearances of being ok when I'm really not. I know there's something going on deep down because all my life I feel like I've been operating from some messed up belief system about myself that just makes things 100x harder than they need to be. It's about time I get down to it and heal that instead of trying to push it away and ignore it hoping that once I achieve more outward success in life I'll feel better.
That sounds exactly like the confusion/frustration/lack of understanding I felt when I first began UD. It went straight to my core and shook me up. Considering all my choices (blaming myself, running away, escaping with food or anything) I considered that just allowing it was my best option. I am grateful I had some modeling in real life of just surrendering and allowing change to happen. I was scared before I did that. I'd run from actual change for many years.
"Vomit of a post": I can relate. I wanted to scream "WHY ME?!!!" Me losing control was what I resisted the absolute most.
This is good to hear. It's been difficult, there's a lot of stuff I've pushed down over the years and convinced myself it wasn't there. Coming face to face with that is a bit surreal in a way.
I worked really hard on making some music today. Got up around 8:30 ate breakfast and then worked till around 4 on a track. After I noticed I was all anxious. So I gave myself time to relax and that's when things got a little more emotionally turbulent. I think I still base a lot of my self worth on my achievements. I noticed moments working on the music where I felt it was shit and I'd never be good enough at it. I kept working on it though. But it occurred to me that maybe that's why my music can be really stressful at times. When things don't go right it feels like my whole world falls apart and that's not exactly healthy.
So I wasn't exactly sleeping, but I was just laying there. Things were getting pulled to the surface. I was thinking about my childhood and even as far back as that I noticed I was anxious all the time. I can't really remember a time when I felt ok. And I think I did grow up with some challenges in life, unfortunately it just made me feel like a failure because I couldn't be like everyone else. There was always some person in authority in school trying to mold me into something I wasn't. I'm not sure if I had anxiety as a kid or I was just quiet and the constant criticisms of being "too quiet" just gave me anxiety. My mom is always telling me I was a really cheery happy go lucky kid, I honestly don't know what happened. To be honest it just feels like I was stomped on by society and being a more sensitive kid it hurt a lot. It created this fear in me of it being dangerous to be myself or open myself up to people.
When you grow up and things aren't as straightforward as everyone else around you it's hard not to feel like a failure. I have a tendency to beat myself up more than I should. I don't think I've been giving enough attention to my own emotional needs over the years. I've just been bulldozing through everything trying to keep going until maybe one day it'll all be better. But I see now that's not the answer. Happiness doesn't lie in external achievements. That's not an excuse to slack off, but there definitely needs to be a re prioritizing of my own emotional health.
Also I seem to be really irritable lately. Like I want people to just leave me alone. I think these are old emotional wounds making their way to the surface and I'm rejecting the company of people because I'm deeply uncomfortable with myself.
INFP
