03-28-2018, 03:24 PM
Interesting stuff going on internally. First I want to talk about a dream I had. I was pretty much in a prison and I was being all cooperative because I was under the impression I was in there by mistake. So after being all nice and compliant I tried to talk to the guard about leaving. Weirdly enough it was a female guard. She laughed in my face and completely blew me off. So I just said screw this and gave her a solid left hook to the jaw that left her out cold. Afterwards I was in a mad scramble to gather all my belongings that held childhood sentimental value to me. Like I wanted to leave this prison but I couldn't leave behind all those possessions. Really weird. The whole thing with the dream was I never felt trapped in that prison, it felt like I could leave at any time. In a way it sort of felt like my waking life, I can make changes at any time I just have to decide to do it.
Then another interesting thing happened internally later on in the day during work. I was sort of zoning out because it was a slow day and I started focusing on this fear inside me. It was like my mind was honing in on it and destroying it, tearing it apart. But then my imagination went pretty wild and I started visualizing being in a sort of wasteland with zombies. As I was walking through this wasteland I was just shooting them in the head left and right, snapping necks, it got to a point where I didn't have to physically do anything and I could just make them explode by willing it. Then my younger childhood self was in the same place and I protected him, but then eventually gave him the same power as me and he realized nothing could hurt him in that scary wasteland. The whole thing was really vivid. I'm thinking it was a form of subconscious communication and a way to help destroy fear. I guess giving the fear some kind of form that my subconscious could actively destroy helped in a way. Maybe because the fear was more intangible it was hard for my subconscious to grasp? Like being this thing that lurked in the shadows, but was hard to actually confront. I don't know, but visualizing the fear as something and destroying it seems to be helping a lot. Gives me a solid target to focus on destroying.
I've actually tried this technique before in the past. What's interesting though is back then I would often be killed or I'd struggle to kill whatever monster I had created in my mind. Like you know in dreams where you go to fight and you're in slow motion? I died a lot in my dreams when I was a kid. Always started off me being afraid of something coming to get me and when it did I'd try to fight but I was helpless. The really unpleasant part of these dreams is they would mimic the exact layouts of parts of where I lived. So I'd frequently get killed in my bedroom, the backyard, around the block, in the basement, etc.
Anyway after all that today I realized that all these beliefs I have about myself are just feelings I hold. Self created feelings that I perceive as the truth and nothing more. I'm limiting myself, telling myself I can't be something only because that's how I feel about it. These blocks inside me aren't me, they are limitations that I need to let go of to discover an even greater side to life. The problem is I'm ruled by my past, I use the past as evidence of what's possible for the future which is wrong. So I'd constantly be putting myself in a box that says you can do this, you can't do that, you can be this, you can't be that. I realize now that all the obstacles I perceived outwardly are actually a reflection of the internal beliefs I hold. At this point the only reason for not achieving what I want out of life is because I'm standing in my own way and nothing else.
Then another interesting thing happened internally later on in the day during work. I was sort of zoning out because it was a slow day and I started focusing on this fear inside me. It was like my mind was honing in on it and destroying it, tearing it apart. But then my imagination went pretty wild and I started visualizing being in a sort of wasteland with zombies. As I was walking through this wasteland I was just shooting them in the head left and right, snapping necks, it got to a point where I didn't have to physically do anything and I could just make them explode by willing it. Then my younger childhood self was in the same place and I protected him, but then eventually gave him the same power as me and he realized nothing could hurt him in that scary wasteland. The whole thing was really vivid. I'm thinking it was a form of subconscious communication and a way to help destroy fear. I guess giving the fear some kind of form that my subconscious could actively destroy helped in a way. Maybe because the fear was more intangible it was hard for my subconscious to grasp? Like being this thing that lurked in the shadows, but was hard to actually confront. I don't know, but visualizing the fear as something and destroying it seems to be helping a lot. Gives me a solid target to focus on destroying.
I've actually tried this technique before in the past. What's interesting though is back then I would often be killed or I'd struggle to kill whatever monster I had created in my mind. Like you know in dreams where you go to fight and you're in slow motion? I died a lot in my dreams when I was a kid. Always started off me being afraid of something coming to get me and when it did I'd try to fight but I was helpless. The really unpleasant part of these dreams is they would mimic the exact layouts of parts of where I lived. So I'd frequently get killed in my bedroom, the backyard, around the block, in the basement, etc.
Anyway after all that today I realized that all these beliefs I have about myself are just feelings I hold. Self created feelings that I perceive as the truth and nothing more. I'm limiting myself, telling myself I can't be something only because that's how I feel about it. These blocks inside me aren't me, they are limitations that I need to let go of to discover an even greater side to life. The problem is I'm ruled by my past, I use the past as evidence of what's possible for the future which is wrong. So I'd constantly be putting myself in a box that says you can do this, you can't do that, you can be this, you can't be that. I realize now that all the obstacles I perceived outwardly are actually a reflection of the internal beliefs I hold. At this point the only reason for not achieving what I want out of life is because I'm standing in my own way and nothing else.
INFP
