03-15-2018, 03:46 PM
Day 14 was yesterday so tonight is my one day break from DMSI. I'm not sure if it's DMSI or the clocks getting set forward, but I've been tired as hell lately.
Lately I've been feeling this internal pressure telling me that how I'm living my life isn't what I want. I was at work today trying to fix an issue with our security cameras and I just paused for a second and I felt like it was all wrong. Like you ever have one of those moments of clarity where you realize how expansive life can be and ask yourself why am I wasting my life doing this? It feels like I'm pretty much just going off of the conditioning from my parents to find security and be "safe". I was fighting this feeling a lot until it clicked today that it was me and it's what I really want. Not this stuff I've been conditioned to think I want or need in my life. Maybe it's because I was unemployed for a really long time and I'm hesitant to move on because I don't want to experience that again. So I rationalize in my head that my current situation is fine and I take the comfort instead of venturing into the unknown again. I have a tendency to do this in my life. I face my challenges and overcome some fears, but then I'll stop because the next step up seems like doing it all over again. The problem is that next step up is how I get closer to living a life I truly want to live. It's very stop and go and I realize I could progress a lot faster if I was more willing to not take extended time in those little comfort pockets.
Lately I've been feeling this internal pressure telling me that how I'm living my life isn't what I want. I was at work today trying to fix an issue with our security cameras and I just paused for a second and I felt like it was all wrong. Like you ever have one of those moments of clarity where you realize how expansive life can be and ask yourself why am I wasting my life doing this? It feels like I'm pretty much just going off of the conditioning from my parents to find security and be "safe". I was fighting this feeling a lot until it clicked today that it was me and it's what I really want. Not this stuff I've been conditioned to think I want or need in my life. Maybe it's because I was unemployed for a really long time and I'm hesitant to move on because I don't want to experience that again. So I rationalize in my head that my current situation is fine and I take the comfort instead of venturing into the unknown again. I have a tendency to do this in my life. I face my challenges and overcome some fears, but then I'll stop because the next step up seems like doing it all over again. The problem is that next step up is how I get closer to living a life I truly want to live. It's very stop and go and I realize I could progress a lot faster if I was more willing to not take extended time in those little comfort pockets.
INFP
