03-13-2018, 02:21 PM
Just realized I have a lot less anxiety at work. I'm not sure if I mentioned it but I was always really anxious of what my coworker thought about my problem solving skills. Also the fear of coming across as dumb or incompetent. You know, all my life I had people say I was so intelligent. But it got to a point where I was so wrapped up in still being perceived as smart, putting myself into new situations where I could fail or make a fool of myself were avoided. I'm ok at this job, I'm no savant when it comes to fixing things and I don't really need to be. I was always telling myself I should be able to solve this easily, that I was dumb, and I was worried that I'd get fired because I was being incompetent. Well I'm not that bad, but I learned that my fear of looking like an idiot or someone who isn't smart caused me to avoid learning things. Part of it is the field I'm in too, something about technology seems to attract a lot of people who are more condescending towards those that aren't as smart. My coworkers are cool, but they really only like you if you display some form of competence. I just don't like that, as long as someone isn't an outright dick to me I'm going to treat them on the same level as myself. At the end of the day we're all people going through similar struggles and it doesn't make any sense to divide everyone into this imaginary hierarchy.
Aside from that I'm really cold internally lately. I have trouble getting warm. It seems to coincide with executing the script as well. The deeper I get into DMSI and the more I execute on a deeper level, it seems like it shakes me up physically. Maybe deep anxiety? I've read anxiety can cause circulation issues among other issues. Kind of feel this nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach too. I do think it's fear, but I think it's largely outside of my conscious awareness. But not because I'm repressing it or anything, I've just felt lately fear doesn't need to be understood on an intellectual level and going through past events doesn't do anything. The real solution is just moving past the fear and that comes with just facing it and detaching from whatever happened. So I've kind of delegated that task to my subconscious mind while my conscious mind focuses on my every day life. It feels like the fear is being chipped away at it the background, as long as I don't obsess on it or try too hard I seem to make steady progress. Basically not interfering with execution of the script by going in there and thinking I somehow know how to handle all this better on a conscious level.
Aside from that I'm really cold internally lately. I have trouble getting warm. It seems to coincide with executing the script as well. The deeper I get into DMSI and the more I execute on a deeper level, it seems like it shakes me up physically. Maybe deep anxiety? I've read anxiety can cause circulation issues among other issues. Kind of feel this nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach too. I do think it's fear, but I think it's largely outside of my conscious awareness. But not because I'm repressing it or anything, I've just felt lately fear doesn't need to be understood on an intellectual level and going through past events doesn't do anything. The real solution is just moving past the fear and that comes with just facing it and detaching from whatever happened. So I've kind of delegated that task to my subconscious mind while my conscious mind focuses on my every day life. It feels like the fear is being chipped away at it the background, as long as I don't obsess on it or try too hard I seem to make steady progress. Basically not interfering with execution of the script by going in there and thinking I somehow know how to handle all this better on a conscious level.
INFP
