I know Shannon's mentioned it before, but I've really been understanding the importance of focus lately. I still have some quite irrational fears of women, but my focus is now on overcoming that instead of obsessing on how much the fear controls me. When I dealt with fear in the past I'd panic and sort of give up because I felt the fear was too great and there was nothing I could do. I never fought it or attempted to get rid of it, I just gave in to it. You know when deer see headlights and they just stand there? You may think, man that deer is stupid. But that's what I did in my life. Everything outside of my comfort zone was the headlights and instead of figuring out a solution I just froze up and stayed put. I'm not proud of that. In fact my ego was so fragile that when stuff like that happened I'd play out the victim role. People might say "oh it's not your fault, it's just anxiety and anxiety is hard to deal with", but I had a choice. I could have ran or I could have fought. And I ran, like a coward. Then afterwards I played it all up to avoid the fact that I ran and not feel guilty about it.
I haven't been responsible in my life. I flat out haven't. When I entertained that thought in the past I'd often get angry because it felt insulting. But it was true, and the truth hurts sometimes. I think the problem is when your sense of self worth is already low to begin with, it doesn't take much to push you over the edge. So you become overly defensive and avoid thinking about your flaws. I just know that in the past when anyone proposed a way out of my miserable situation I'd take it very personally and would shut them out. That's been my biggest flaw actually, taking things too personally. The irony is you have to have a massive ego for that, but at the same time have crushingly low self esteem. In that regard I'm a bit of a narcissist. I mean hell for most of my life I've exhibited traits of narcissism, but I was too blind to see it.
But it's all a mess really. I can't label it or anything. All I know is I've struggled in my life with a feeling of superiority and grandiosity simultaneously with crushingly low self worth.
I haven't been responsible in my life. I flat out haven't. When I entertained that thought in the past I'd often get angry because it felt insulting. But it was true, and the truth hurts sometimes. I think the problem is when your sense of self worth is already low to begin with, it doesn't take much to push you over the edge. So you become overly defensive and avoid thinking about your flaws. I just know that in the past when anyone proposed a way out of my miserable situation I'd take it very personally and would shut them out. That's been my biggest flaw actually, taking things too personally. The irony is you have to have a massive ego for that, but at the same time have crushingly low self esteem. In that regard I'm a bit of a narcissist. I mean hell for most of my life I've exhibited traits of narcissism, but I was too blind to see it.
But it's all a mess really. I can't label it or anything. All I know is I've struggled in my life with a feeling of superiority and grandiosity simultaneously with crushingly low self worth.
INFP
