03-09-2018, 03:08 PM
Feels like I had a huge breakthrough today with regards to all this stuff. I've been incredibly anxious for a while now. I had trouble pinpointing it, but I found it recently. I've had less time to work on my music lately and I started panicking that I'd never be good enough at it. I know it's not women, but it feels like DMSI has helped me come to this realization. I've been chasing what I thought would give me happiness and it was making me miserable. And I had such tunnel vision and fear that I absolutely refused to reassess the situation. So today I took a step back and realized the only reason I wanted to get good at music is because I felt like I'd feel more worthwhile as a person. Somewhere along the way I completely lost touch with what inspired me in the first place to make music.
You know, life is short and I can't be making myself miserable worrying about how my music compares to others if it kills the joy of it. Same thing with this whole DMSI thing. You absolutely cannot base your self worth on how many women you attract or have sex with. It sounds obvious, but I know for myself I always told myself that and yet I felt my behavior reflected those beliefs.
I'm going to attempt to deconstruct how much a viscous cycle i was in. Basically I've had a feeling of low worth for most of my life. It grew inside of me and when I reached adulthood I shut it out and denied it. I replaced it with goals I needed to achieve in the form of perfectionism. It all made me incredibly miserable, but whenever I stopped or tried to get off this neurotic perfectionism ride I was hit with a lot of fear. It pretty much told me I needed to do these things, as if my survival was at stake if I didn't achieve them. And I guess to some part of my mind it was, it felt that if I didn't achieve these things I would be abandoned and die. Now when I reflect on my life I feel it's all been motivated by fear. It was this inner feeling that kept me going, but I was constantly strung out, tired, afraid, and couldn't feel at peace. I've never known what it feels like to follow a goal or pursue something from a place of pure joy, without feel that crushing weight of potentially being worthless if I wasn't good enough at it.
Right now it feels like that's changing. Like I'm seeing a different way of viewing life that's completely foreign to me and I had no idea it even existed. One where I can just be, without being burdened by needing to be good at everything. That mentality not only effected my music, but every aspect of my life. Sometimes I couldn't even hang out with friends because I often felt I didn't have enough to add to conversations.
If this is permanent and I don't slip back or anything, I seriously think this will allow me to do anything I put my mind to. I just have to kill that last remaining fear that keeps pulling me back to that perfectionist mentality. I also think the perfectionism in me caused me to avoid executing the sub at times because if I couldn't do a complete 180 it freaked my subconscious out and it rejected it and stopped trying. Man just so much is going through my head right now, I'm just seeing how dysfunctional my whole belief system was and kept me down.
You know, life is short and I can't be making myself miserable worrying about how my music compares to others if it kills the joy of it. Same thing with this whole DMSI thing. You absolutely cannot base your self worth on how many women you attract or have sex with. It sounds obvious, but I know for myself I always told myself that and yet I felt my behavior reflected those beliefs.
I'm going to attempt to deconstruct how much a viscous cycle i was in. Basically I've had a feeling of low worth for most of my life. It grew inside of me and when I reached adulthood I shut it out and denied it. I replaced it with goals I needed to achieve in the form of perfectionism. It all made me incredibly miserable, but whenever I stopped or tried to get off this neurotic perfectionism ride I was hit with a lot of fear. It pretty much told me I needed to do these things, as if my survival was at stake if I didn't achieve them. And I guess to some part of my mind it was, it felt that if I didn't achieve these things I would be abandoned and die. Now when I reflect on my life I feel it's all been motivated by fear. It was this inner feeling that kept me going, but I was constantly strung out, tired, afraid, and couldn't feel at peace. I've never known what it feels like to follow a goal or pursue something from a place of pure joy, without feel that crushing weight of potentially being worthless if I wasn't good enough at it.
Right now it feels like that's changing. Like I'm seeing a different way of viewing life that's completely foreign to me and I had no idea it even existed. One where I can just be, without being burdened by needing to be good at everything. That mentality not only effected my music, but every aspect of my life. Sometimes I couldn't even hang out with friends because I often felt I didn't have enough to add to conversations.
If this is permanent and I don't slip back or anything, I seriously think this will allow me to do anything I put my mind to. I just have to kill that last remaining fear that keeps pulling me back to that perfectionist mentality. I also think the perfectionism in me caused me to avoid executing the sub at times because if I couldn't do a complete 180 it freaked my subconscious out and it rejected it and stopped trying. Man just so much is going through my head right now, I'm just seeing how dysfunctional my whole belief system was and kept me down.
INFP
