03-03-2018, 09:14 AM
DMSI has me digging deeper and deeper into my own mind. Let me tell you, it gets strange. I have this certain subself that is afraid of dying. That's why I've still been partially resisting. It thinks that the goals of dmsi will eradicate it. I'm communicating with it now, asking it what it wants, how we can get there together, and how I don't want to change it or destroy it. Instead of bullying it into complying, I'm trying to understand what it's so afraid of. Part of the reason is it values it's authenticity. I've struggled in life, a lot. Some of the things that caused me to struggle were actually my strengths. Things like sensitivity, empathy, and being more of an idealist and striving for more. I had a period in my life where I tried to get rid of these things and suppress them. I was functional, but I wasn't alive. There was a deep void in my being, as if I wasn't whole or a complete person. This subself thinks we are going back to that vs me elevating it and giving it the life it longs for. We have to come to a compromise where I embrace myself fully as I am with authenticity, but also that I make improvements where I have weaknesses.
Instead of this back and forth "I'm in control!", "No, I'm in control!" thing. Trying to work together more. I'm pretty much juggling two identities in my head now and it's incredibly trippy. I've even let my hair grow out more, similar to when I was in high school. There's actually a physical manifestation of my old self. This is going to sound kind of nuts, but I feel like I'm myself again. Like these past few years I was someone completely different. I'd look at childhood photos and I didn't identify with them. But now I look at them and I feel more of a connection. I think I honestly lost myself, if that's even possible. Buried under layers and layers of protective identities and masks. But then I consciously forgot that I did that and had no awareness of it. It's like I was pursuing all this self improvement to run away from myself instead of further embracing who I am.
I don't know how this is happening if I'm only running side B. Feels an awful lot like healing and clearing to me.
Instead of this back and forth "I'm in control!", "No, I'm in control!" thing. Trying to work together more. I'm pretty much juggling two identities in my head now and it's incredibly trippy. I've even let my hair grow out more, similar to when I was in high school. There's actually a physical manifestation of my old self. This is going to sound kind of nuts, but I feel like I'm myself again. Like these past few years I was someone completely different. I'd look at childhood photos and I didn't identify with them. But now I look at them and I feel more of a connection. I think I honestly lost myself, if that's even possible. Buried under layers and layers of protective identities and masks. But then I consciously forgot that I did that and had no awareness of it. It's like I was pursuing all this self improvement to run away from myself instead of further embracing who I am.
I don't know how this is happening if I'm only running side B. Feels an awful lot like healing and clearing to me.
INFP
