02-28-2018, 09:16 AM
Okay, I'm back from the trip. It was fun, but tedious and somewhat tiring as I literally needed to baby sit an adult cousin, who is about double the size of me. (Weight wise, he's more than double.)
There were many episodes, but they are irrelevant to DMSI, nor do I wish to share all the problems my cousin cased. So I will leave them.
Was the trip terrible? Actually no, it helped me grow. I think.
Before the trip, I was thinking that I'd rather not be a father, because I wouldn't be a great father, even though I've been told that I'd be a fantastic dad. Why? Because I thought that I wouldn't be able to provide everything best for my child(ren). I literally thought that if I were to be a good father, I would need to provide the best material support, best mental support, provide huge amount of love, being a good husband, lots of playing time with the child(ren), being able to look at their level, think at their level while provide best guidance that suits them, and etc. And I thought I would not be able to do that, or I'd be lacking that I'd better not be a father.
After the trip, the thought changed. I handled all the situation and all the problems that were created by my cousin, and I handled it well. And that made me realize that if I m put in the situation, and that I am required to perform such functions (such as taking care of people, solving problems, being at their level, and handling people's emotional stress, and etc), I would handle it rather very well, and do it smoothly.
This made me realize not only that I could be a great father, but also a great boyfriend, and/or husband. Hence, the experience made me feel like a real man, in a way. Yes, sure I am small so I may not be physically adequate to protect (although this may change, and maybe soon as I am getting personal training), but I'd be able to handle all the mental and emotional aspect, and protect, restore and heal those areas. It also made me be reminded of the fact that protecting someone isn't all about size, and that there are other side as well.
It made me see that I have many sides of me. I can be tough, firm, and assertive, but at the same time, I can be soft, comforting, embracing, mellow, and you name it. This made me realize that I am much more a man than I thought, and that I am truly ready to handle having a great girlfriend, wife, or whatever, and enjoy building love, sex, relationship, intimacy and other related good stuff. Also, I don't feel I am not just ready; I am gonna be great at it.
Now, I need to find that girl (or girls). Unfortunately, this has always been the toughest part for me. Finding the right venue, and escalating with girls. Looking back, I noticed that girls tend to be quite comfortable around me. I also believe that I may have gotten a few signs that some girls wanted to escalate (not necessarily sex, but in terms of relationship), but I didn't handle it too well. Either I missed it totally, or I blew it up due to some ego related stuff. Hopefully, listening to DMSI will all the necessary things (like not missing cues, escalating, and etc) natural that I'd handle it well.
This also made me think about the girls I want. This morning, I was resting after cleaning up the lodge we stayed (we are expected to clean up before check out, and since my cousin's mental level isn't much higher than that of a kindergartner, I pretty much had to do all of that by myself), as I was exhausted. I turned on TV to watch some stuff, and the show was about girl's dating habits, thoughts, and etc. The girls were not random girls, but were celebrities. One of them was a hot girl with great body (which I have seen from sex scenes in a few movies.) This girl has seriously terrible dating habit that she lies to validate, she does shit test (is this the correct term?), she says terrible stuff, and would even threaten to break up with here boyfriend, just to validate his love, and validate her value. (The value part was more intuitive to me, not overtly shown, but intuitive.) This turned me off completely.
Would it have turned me off prior to DMSI/DMSI 3.2? Sure, but I don't think the degree of being turned off would be as intense I felt this morning. Also, other girls on the show were also doing shit tests or were gaming heavily.
I knew that I didn't like girls who need(would) to shit test, or game, but this morning, the feeling of disgust has not been as strong as what I felt this morning. The feeling is so strong that I think that I would just leave the girl, even if I were involved with her for a while, when she shit tests me or tries to game me.
Maybe a disgust is a wrong word or a bit too strong word. Perhaps being turned off may be a better description.
Maybe all girls shit test and game guys. Perhaps that's the way. However, I am certain that there are great girls (great personality, great looks, high intelligence, great sense of humor, and etc), who don't shit test or game guys. I am feeling more energized and wanting to find such girls and make the girl mine than ever. I am hoping that DMSI will let it happen as effortlessly and smoothly possible.
These internal thoughts, I believe that could have happened without DMSI. Yet, I feel that at least some part of the thought process must have been influenced by DMSI.
Unlike previous DMSI, in which I have felt strong anxiety and some depression (which I am prone to due to some condition I have), I am not feeling any of it in 3.2, even though it's not even healing/clearing version. This indeed is a nice feeling, and it is a feeling that I am becoming a real man.
Also, during this trip, and with my extended period of spending time with the cousin, it made me realize more about what a man needs (or what a man needs to be a true man not a boy). At the same time, it made me understand what my cousin's real problems have been.
Too many, if not all of my family member sees the cousin's problem as in game, smartphone, and computer addiction, being obese, lazy, and lack of enthusiasm, interest and focus in his life. (I could use some focus too, but at the same time, I have been literally going all the time for a single focus, academic success that a break, having no goal or focus, can be a good and refreshing thing) However, I see these as his secondary problem. To me the biggest things he needs to fix are his self esteem, self worthiness, and confidence. My cousin is aware of all these problems, and feel really bad about making mistakes and screwing things up. It seems that he has been punished by his family somewhat seriously for such deeds. There also seem to be an atmosphere in the family such that nobody expects highly of him or everybody expects low tings from him. I feel that these have let him down seriously, and harming his self esteem, self worth and confidence.
Yes, his family punished him, wanting for him to be better. Unfortunately, I am seeing that the punishment's effectiveness and usefulness is overturned and became toxic for him. Somehow this must be fixed. I'd rather be frank to his family about this, but it seems that everybody in the family (including the cousin) doesn't want me to do that. Nevertheless, I intend to do it soon, will bring it to my uncle and his wife, as that guy needs to be better. (Also I would want him to get his T level tested, as it seems that he has absolute zero interest in sex. I am cool if he turns out that he's asexual, but I am not entirely certain if he's asexual, or something's wrong with his body. After all, he's quite obese, and I remember reading that obese men's testosterone level is lower than that of normal guys.) Yet, I am going to find a way to bring it up in a way that it's not taken as an offense, but as an advice from seriously concerned cousin as if they take it offensively, it will back fire and nobody will benefit. (Not to mention that I will damage my relationship with the family.) I have some thoughts, and I will act.
I feel that I have gotten quite a lot from this short 3 day trip. I also feel strongly that I would have gotten regardless of my having been exposed to DMSI. Yet, I also have a feeling that DMSI would have contributed somehow, whether small or large.
It is also interesting that DMSI (particularly this version of DMSI) doesn't seem to provide sexual effects for me yet. (It did some in the previous version, but it hasn't completely gotten to the goal yet) Rather, it seems to help me grow to be a greater person, greater man, and maybe it's even making me the greatest version I can be.
There were many episodes, but they are irrelevant to DMSI, nor do I wish to share all the problems my cousin cased. So I will leave them.
Was the trip terrible? Actually no, it helped me grow. I think.
Before the trip, I was thinking that I'd rather not be a father, because I wouldn't be a great father, even though I've been told that I'd be a fantastic dad. Why? Because I thought that I wouldn't be able to provide everything best for my child(ren). I literally thought that if I were to be a good father, I would need to provide the best material support, best mental support, provide huge amount of love, being a good husband, lots of playing time with the child(ren), being able to look at their level, think at their level while provide best guidance that suits them, and etc. And I thought I would not be able to do that, or I'd be lacking that I'd better not be a father.
After the trip, the thought changed. I handled all the situation and all the problems that were created by my cousin, and I handled it well. And that made me realize that if I m put in the situation, and that I am required to perform such functions (such as taking care of people, solving problems, being at their level, and handling people's emotional stress, and etc), I would handle it rather very well, and do it smoothly.
This made me realize not only that I could be a great father, but also a great boyfriend, and/or husband. Hence, the experience made me feel like a real man, in a way. Yes, sure I am small so I may not be physically adequate to protect (although this may change, and maybe soon as I am getting personal training), but I'd be able to handle all the mental and emotional aspect, and protect, restore and heal those areas. It also made me be reminded of the fact that protecting someone isn't all about size, and that there are other side as well.
It made me see that I have many sides of me. I can be tough, firm, and assertive, but at the same time, I can be soft, comforting, embracing, mellow, and you name it. This made me realize that I am much more a man than I thought, and that I am truly ready to handle having a great girlfriend, wife, or whatever, and enjoy building love, sex, relationship, intimacy and other related good stuff. Also, I don't feel I am not just ready; I am gonna be great at it.
Now, I need to find that girl (or girls). Unfortunately, this has always been the toughest part for me. Finding the right venue, and escalating with girls. Looking back, I noticed that girls tend to be quite comfortable around me. I also believe that I may have gotten a few signs that some girls wanted to escalate (not necessarily sex, but in terms of relationship), but I didn't handle it too well. Either I missed it totally, or I blew it up due to some ego related stuff. Hopefully, listening to DMSI will all the necessary things (like not missing cues, escalating, and etc) natural that I'd handle it well.
This also made me think about the girls I want. This morning, I was resting after cleaning up the lodge we stayed (we are expected to clean up before check out, and since my cousin's mental level isn't much higher than that of a kindergartner, I pretty much had to do all of that by myself), as I was exhausted. I turned on TV to watch some stuff, and the show was about girl's dating habits, thoughts, and etc. The girls were not random girls, but were celebrities. One of them was a hot girl with great body (which I have seen from sex scenes in a few movies.) This girl has seriously terrible dating habit that she lies to validate, she does shit test (is this the correct term?), she says terrible stuff, and would even threaten to break up with here boyfriend, just to validate his love, and validate her value. (The value part was more intuitive to me, not overtly shown, but intuitive.) This turned me off completely.
Would it have turned me off prior to DMSI/DMSI 3.2? Sure, but I don't think the degree of being turned off would be as intense I felt this morning. Also, other girls on the show were also doing shit tests or were gaming heavily.
I knew that I didn't like girls who need(would) to shit test, or game, but this morning, the feeling of disgust has not been as strong as what I felt this morning. The feeling is so strong that I think that I would just leave the girl, even if I were involved with her for a while, when she shit tests me or tries to game me.
Maybe a disgust is a wrong word or a bit too strong word. Perhaps being turned off may be a better description.
Maybe all girls shit test and game guys. Perhaps that's the way. However, I am certain that there are great girls (great personality, great looks, high intelligence, great sense of humor, and etc), who don't shit test or game guys. I am feeling more energized and wanting to find such girls and make the girl mine than ever. I am hoping that DMSI will let it happen as effortlessly and smoothly possible.
These internal thoughts, I believe that could have happened without DMSI. Yet, I feel that at least some part of the thought process must have been influenced by DMSI.
Unlike previous DMSI, in which I have felt strong anxiety and some depression (which I am prone to due to some condition I have), I am not feeling any of it in 3.2, even though it's not even healing/clearing version. This indeed is a nice feeling, and it is a feeling that I am becoming a real man.
Also, during this trip, and with my extended period of spending time with the cousin, it made me realize more about what a man needs (or what a man needs to be a true man not a boy). At the same time, it made me understand what my cousin's real problems have been.
Too many, if not all of my family member sees the cousin's problem as in game, smartphone, and computer addiction, being obese, lazy, and lack of enthusiasm, interest and focus in his life. (I could use some focus too, but at the same time, I have been literally going all the time for a single focus, academic success that a break, having no goal or focus, can be a good and refreshing thing) However, I see these as his secondary problem. To me the biggest things he needs to fix are his self esteem, self worthiness, and confidence. My cousin is aware of all these problems, and feel really bad about making mistakes and screwing things up. It seems that he has been punished by his family somewhat seriously for such deeds. There also seem to be an atmosphere in the family such that nobody expects highly of him or everybody expects low tings from him. I feel that these have let him down seriously, and harming his self esteem, self worth and confidence.
Yes, his family punished him, wanting for him to be better. Unfortunately, I am seeing that the punishment's effectiveness and usefulness is overturned and became toxic for him. Somehow this must be fixed. I'd rather be frank to his family about this, but it seems that everybody in the family (including the cousin) doesn't want me to do that. Nevertheless, I intend to do it soon, will bring it to my uncle and his wife, as that guy needs to be better. (Also I would want him to get his T level tested, as it seems that he has absolute zero interest in sex. I am cool if he turns out that he's asexual, but I am not entirely certain if he's asexual, or something's wrong with his body. After all, he's quite obese, and I remember reading that obese men's testosterone level is lower than that of normal guys.) Yet, I am going to find a way to bring it up in a way that it's not taken as an offense, but as an advice from seriously concerned cousin as if they take it offensively, it will back fire and nobody will benefit. (Not to mention that I will damage my relationship with the family.) I have some thoughts, and I will act.
I feel that I have gotten quite a lot from this short 3 day trip. I also feel strongly that I would have gotten regardless of my having been exposed to DMSI. Yet, I also have a feeling that DMSI would have contributed somehow, whether small or large.
It is also interesting that DMSI (particularly this version of DMSI) doesn't seem to provide sexual effects for me yet. (It did some in the previous version, but it hasn't completely gotten to the goal yet) Rather, it seems to help me grow to be a greater person, greater man, and maybe it's even making me the greatest version I can be.
