02-15-2018, 06:51 PM
So where I'm at right now after having a bit of a down day. The IDGAF mentality I thought I've been cultivating wasn't truly IDGAF. What I mean is instead of not caring what others think I'd get overly defensive instead. Stuff like thinking they have no right to judge me, I'm good enough, it doesn't matter, etc. It occurred to me at work today when something I set up didn't work the right way. Immediately I found myself saying something like whatever, I don't really care, just pure apathy. But the fact is I made a mistake and instead of getting bent out of shape about that I should use it as a learning experience. It seems like I swung from beating myself up over the tiniest errors towards being apathetic. Both situations I did not take responsibility towards controlling how I react to a situation. Sometimes it's easier to paint everything as pointless and detach from caring about it vs accepting I made a mistake. If I truly didn't care about this stuff I'd learn from my mistakes and wouldn't spend any amount of time taking all of it so personally.
One of my weak points is taking criticism to heart too much and being overly defensive. But I think this might be due to low self esteem anyway. Whenever I do something wrong I feel bad. But whenever I do something wrong and someone points it out I feel even worse. I don't like being thought of as stupid, incompetent, or any other mean things people like to toss around at times. I don't judge people, but unfortunately I've realized most other people do very heavily. I think my self worth is still tied up in being thought of as a competent person. As long as I maintain that image in other people's eyes I feel good. But as soon as I do something that could be perceived as me being incompetent it feels like my whole world falls apart and I'm exposed as this useless human being. It feels really bad. I get this sensation of wanting to throw up and just curl up in a ball somewhere and hide.
Just another sticking point I have to work through. My egoic/narcisistic behavior to maintain an image of being competent has caused me to continually self sabotage in a variety of ways. Basically it's the difference between "look at me and how much I don't care!" vs "I'm not threatened by this in any way so I can look at this in a detached way independent of myself".
One of my weak points is taking criticism to heart too much and being overly defensive. But I think this might be due to low self esteem anyway. Whenever I do something wrong I feel bad. But whenever I do something wrong and someone points it out I feel even worse. I don't like being thought of as stupid, incompetent, or any other mean things people like to toss around at times. I don't judge people, but unfortunately I've realized most other people do very heavily. I think my self worth is still tied up in being thought of as a competent person. As long as I maintain that image in other people's eyes I feel good. But as soon as I do something that could be perceived as me being incompetent it feels like my whole world falls apart and I'm exposed as this useless human being. It feels really bad. I get this sensation of wanting to throw up and just curl up in a ball somewhere and hide.
Just another sticking point I have to work through. My egoic/narcisistic behavior to maintain an image of being competent has caused me to continually self sabotage in a variety of ways. Basically it's the difference between "look at me and how much I don't care!" vs "I'm not threatened by this in any way so I can look at this in a detached way independent of myself".
INFP
