02-12-2018, 05:01 PM
Ok so quick update. I think that resistance tactic I've been using has been closed off. I notice myself being pulled forward and unable to go to that detached place. Like you know that scene in Fight Club where he's burning his hand with the lye and then he keeps retreating to his cave? It was kind of like that.
Having said that I can't tell if I'm clearing out stuff and experiencing a flood of emotions. Or if it's just my subconscious reacting very strongly now that it can't resist. I was at work today and I just started tearing up, felt like I was about to breakdown and cry. Along with that I've noticed that I'm detaching more from my job and I now realize how much stress I was causing myself by basing my own value on my performance. So when I couldn't figure something out or screwed something I'd always get really anxious and stressed. Now I see that it doesn't have to be that way because the only person who applies any meaning to these events is myself. Other people can think what they want, but ultimately I choose what I feel and how I react to things. I don't have to put any weight in other peoples judgements or opinions about me.
I feel like a lot of that realization is coming from my self esteem getting better. The better I start feeling about myself the easier it gets for me to brush off the negative and not give in to it as a truth. It feels obvious now, but in the past it was damn near impossible for me to not internalize the negative as I felt anything outside of it was just a lie.
Having said that I can't tell if I'm clearing out stuff and experiencing a flood of emotions. Or if it's just my subconscious reacting very strongly now that it can't resist. I was at work today and I just started tearing up, felt like I was about to breakdown and cry. Along with that I've noticed that I'm detaching more from my job and I now realize how much stress I was causing myself by basing my own value on my performance. So when I couldn't figure something out or screwed something I'd always get really anxious and stressed. Now I see that it doesn't have to be that way because the only person who applies any meaning to these events is myself. Other people can think what they want, but ultimately I choose what I feel and how I react to things. I don't have to put any weight in other peoples judgements or opinions about me.
I feel like a lot of that realization is coming from my self esteem getting better. The better I start feeling about myself the easier it gets for me to brush off the negative and not give in to it as a truth. It feels obvious now, but in the past it was damn near impossible for me to not internalize the negative as I felt anything outside of it was just a lie.
INFP
