JAKE'S MLS 5.5G - MENTAL GROWTH BEGINS NOW!!!!

[Jake2015]

Feeling like giving up

Day 81 Update 19th January 2018 (30+31+19) (-24)

Missed, 12, 14-19th January

Feeling like giving up.

From my journal you'll have read that I returned back to Uni on 9th January.

I was optimistic.

Everytime I go back to the UK my sleep is totally messed up. I have realised that any form of caffeine drink at night (cola, sometimes tea) and having people at home around me that are awake until 3am, that want my time, want to chill with me, or who do not leave my bed space (have no bedroom, live in the living room where the TV is) results in me returning back to uni with a messed up sleep cycle.

I cannot wake until 4pm or 5pm and I dont sleep until 6am - UNI time zone (europe).

You that have read my journal will know all this already.

The problem since returning was the above. I had an exam on 16th january.

I passed that exam, it was easy and it took me a couple of days to study for it.

I realised atleast I felt the best thing for me to do is try to get my sleep fixed asap so I stopped listening to MLS, since the masked tracks were affecting my ability to relax.

This today has created stress in me because I have put so much effort into trying to listen to these subs as long and consistently as I can.

I know that after day 90 I will need to make up all the days that I have missed before I can restart a new 90day count.

I just feel sad.

I realised also today that I am suffering from major fear!

This causes tension in the back of my neck and back of my head.

The fear is stopping me from wanting to study or try to learn.

Its as if I rather fail, ive accepted its easier to fail than to have face the content I must learn and understand.

I know MLS may not work on these factors and I feel MLS also doesnt seem to work on the push to study, the effort needed to get started and stay consistent.

I lack the will at times to sit and study, I fear it and I hate that I do and I have no idea why.

I wish now that there was a sub that could help me and that I was able to help myself in being able to listen consistently.

When I came to uni in 2015, I committed myself to buying $280/£200 speakers that I have here only at uni around my bed so that I could really commit to using these subs.

Sad part is that every 5-8 weeks I will go back to the UK, which is home, which is where I can relax and run away from the stress of uni and the place where I can only use my S4 phone and where I have no speakers able to play 23khz.

The sad part is that whenever I return my sleep will be affected and then im playing catch up all over again.

The sad part is that when my sleep is affected and I leave during a semester then the pressure is on to keep up with uni, get back into it and also get into fixing my sleep asap.

Nothing is helping me, nothing is changing my mental thoughts or my fears and nothing is helping me.

If I didnt have to listen to MLS for 4 consecutive loops at night then life would be so much easier because I could listen a little here and there ideally but im kidding myself I guess because I know that in the day when I have no time to listen during uni, I resort to playing at night and I guess im just feeling sad today because not only am I missing playing MLS because it will disrupt my sleep but im fearing studying.

I do not fear exams.

I do not fear tests.

I do not fear presentations.

I fear work, I fear effort, I fear struggle = fear of doing what isnt easy.

I need help