12-20-2017, 04:20 PM
My journal entrys take forever to write. Every time I sit down and tell myself it's gonna be a quick update it's like my mind just vomits all over this page. Then I have to figure out what's important vs just endless ramblings. So let's see if I can keep this short.
Compassion for myself is something that I've been off and on with. It seems like I realize how to give myself compassion one day and forget the next. It's almost like I'll be compassionate towards myself until I screw up or don't achieve something. Ironically that's when it's needed the most. Since I'm human I'm inevitable going to do something stupid or make a mistake in my life. When I do it's important to realize I'm not a failure. But it's even more important not to switch to some narcissistic defensive point of view. When I've screwed up in the past or in general just don't live up to other people's standards I got really hostile. Instead of accepting what I did and being understanding I'd just shift the blame. Not having that ability to be compassionate with myself caused a lot of hatred for myself. After a while it was inevitable that my mind built up defense mechanisms to take that hatred off of myself.
I'm noticing subtle shifts in learning to take care of myself better instead of beating myself up. I'm telling myself no to hurtful thoughts that I think. I've also stopped thinking of these thoughts as coming from some negative source and accepted that it's me and I'm the one doing it to myself. One thing that I guess my mind has a hard time grasping is why I would do this to myself. More importantly, why I would continue doing it to myself despite knowing it hurts me. It's like putting my hand on a hot stove and telling myself I'm not allowed to take it off.
That's about it. My sleep quality has been abysmal these past few days. Waking up at 2 or 3 in the morning for no reason. Also a reluctance to go to sleep. I probably still have anxiety about my job. Worried about screwing something up or an issue popping up that I can't solve and my coworkers judging me for it. I need to stop that shit though, I'm not a mind reader and these are all my projected thoughts. Even if they think I'm not as good at this job as I said I would be, screw it, I'm done holding myself to ridiculous standards and being all anxious about not being good enough. I want to make mistakes, learn, grow, and stop basing my worth as a person based on how well I do at something. Just typing it all out I realize how much stress I've been under and I haven't even realized it. There has to be a better way for me. The realization that it's not the job that's stressful, it's how I react to it. Being at the mercy of the job every day I go in is not the right attitude to have.
Compassion for myself is something that I've been off and on with. It seems like I realize how to give myself compassion one day and forget the next. It's almost like I'll be compassionate towards myself until I screw up or don't achieve something. Ironically that's when it's needed the most. Since I'm human I'm inevitable going to do something stupid or make a mistake in my life. When I do it's important to realize I'm not a failure. But it's even more important not to switch to some narcissistic defensive point of view. When I've screwed up in the past or in general just don't live up to other people's standards I got really hostile. Instead of accepting what I did and being understanding I'd just shift the blame. Not having that ability to be compassionate with myself caused a lot of hatred for myself. After a while it was inevitable that my mind built up defense mechanisms to take that hatred off of myself.
I'm noticing subtle shifts in learning to take care of myself better instead of beating myself up. I'm telling myself no to hurtful thoughts that I think. I've also stopped thinking of these thoughts as coming from some negative source and accepted that it's me and I'm the one doing it to myself. One thing that I guess my mind has a hard time grasping is why I would do this to myself. More importantly, why I would continue doing it to myself despite knowing it hurts me. It's like putting my hand on a hot stove and telling myself I'm not allowed to take it off.
That's about it. My sleep quality has been abysmal these past few days. Waking up at 2 or 3 in the morning for no reason. Also a reluctance to go to sleep. I probably still have anxiety about my job. Worried about screwing something up or an issue popping up that I can't solve and my coworkers judging me for it. I need to stop that shit though, I'm not a mind reader and these are all my projected thoughts. Even if they think I'm not as good at this job as I said I would be, screw it, I'm done holding myself to ridiculous standards and being all anxious about not being good enough. I want to make mistakes, learn, grow, and stop basing my worth as a person based on how well I do at something. Just typing it all out I realize how much stress I've been under and I haven't even realized it. There has to be a better way for me. The realization that it's not the job that's stressful, it's how I react to it. Being at the mercy of the job every day I go in is not the right attitude to have.
INFP
