12-18-2017, 05:51 PM
As promised an update. To start off, really messed up dream I had. My mom died, then I didn't bury her body or anything. I just kept a rotting corpse in my own house. I think it represents me letting go of looking to my mom for safety. I've made a lot of progress over the past few years, but when I was younger I was definitely afraid of a lot of stuff and turned towards my mom to console me instead of facing those things. Now it feels like I'm gaining the strength and courage to face my own fears and to stop relying on other people to do it for me.
I'm realizing more and more now what it takes to move past these issues I have. In my case it's about being less analytical about my behavior and how I feel. I think for some people that works and using a framework of logic and reason can be enough to turn around their beliefs. But I've learned my primary strength is dealing with these things on a more intuitive feeling based realm. I had a moment today where I could sit with the emotions coming up and watch them. I told myself they weren't permanent, but I had to go though it to end up better. Knowing I wasn't diving into an endless abyss gave me the courage to face what was coming up with the intent of releasing it. The endless pages of misery I used to compose on this journal was just rumination with no intent of releasing what pained me. I definitely see now how everything I think unfolds before me and it's wise to keep my thoughts positive and uplifting. I can either choose to be positive or negative, so the answer is obvious, why would I continue to create my own misery?
Today at work I found myself conversing a bit more with everyone in the building. The main difference was I wasn't doing it to fit in or because I was worried about being too quiet. I just did it because I wanted to. It's weird but it felt like for the first time in my life I was normal. Prior to this I often felt like an outsider, like I didn't belong, and I should just keep to myself.
Still working on getting in touch with my sexuality. I've realized that I probably fear sex so much because I view it as a very intimate thing. To me it seems to go even further than those conversations you have with people where you reveal the deepest parts of yourself. I'm still working on overcoming intimacy issues in general, not just sex. It seems I don't share myself enough with others out of fear but also a poor self image of myself. I'm breaking that habit of believing I'm not good enough for people, I know it's just a delusion. It no longer feels like the truth to me, but more of something I have to be mindful of and to stop feeding it and allowing it to grow.
Completely unrelated, but I've decided to buy myself an electronic drum kit for myself. I don't know the first thing about playing drums, but I'm going to learn. I think the most important thing to note about this decision is that for once in my life I'm not putting unnecessary pressure on myself to be amazing at it. I'm just gonna have fun learning to groove to rhythms and incorporate it into my own music. Feels like my first decision I've made in a long time not fueled by some obsessive need to validate my self worth with it.
I'm realizing more and more now what it takes to move past these issues I have. In my case it's about being less analytical about my behavior and how I feel. I think for some people that works and using a framework of logic and reason can be enough to turn around their beliefs. But I've learned my primary strength is dealing with these things on a more intuitive feeling based realm. I had a moment today where I could sit with the emotions coming up and watch them. I told myself they weren't permanent, but I had to go though it to end up better. Knowing I wasn't diving into an endless abyss gave me the courage to face what was coming up with the intent of releasing it. The endless pages of misery I used to compose on this journal was just rumination with no intent of releasing what pained me. I definitely see now how everything I think unfolds before me and it's wise to keep my thoughts positive and uplifting. I can either choose to be positive or negative, so the answer is obvious, why would I continue to create my own misery?
Today at work I found myself conversing a bit more with everyone in the building. The main difference was I wasn't doing it to fit in or because I was worried about being too quiet. I just did it because I wanted to. It's weird but it felt like for the first time in my life I was normal. Prior to this I often felt like an outsider, like I didn't belong, and I should just keep to myself.
Still working on getting in touch with my sexuality. I've realized that I probably fear sex so much because I view it as a very intimate thing. To me it seems to go even further than those conversations you have with people where you reveal the deepest parts of yourself. I'm still working on overcoming intimacy issues in general, not just sex. It seems I don't share myself enough with others out of fear but also a poor self image of myself. I'm breaking that habit of believing I'm not good enough for people, I know it's just a delusion. It no longer feels like the truth to me, but more of something I have to be mindful of and to stop feeding it and allowing it to grow.
Completely unrelated, but I've decided to buy myself an electronic drum kit for myself. I don't know the first thing about playing drums, but I'm going to learn. I think the most important thing to note about this decision is that for once in my life I'm not putting unnecessary pressure on myself to be amazing at it. I'm just gonna have fun learning to groove to rhythms and incorporate it into my own music. Feels like my first decision I've made in a long time not fueled by some obsessive need to validate my self worth with it.
INFP
